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IAN LEWIS Posts: 575
29/07/2015
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for your delictation
Having a Bad day ! Jack was sitting at the bar looking at his drink for half an hour when a 260 lb. Hells Angel cyclist walks in and sits next to him, grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. Jack immediately burst into tears. "Come on little fella, I was just giving you a hard time," said the cyclist, "Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," said Jack between sobs. "I cant do anything right. I overslept. I was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. I found my wife in bed with the mail man so I came to this bar to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison." The Doctor for an 85-year-old man requested a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing". The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open" German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle was going on about how lazy the British are and how he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium and France then across to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. This old Geordie man mutters.. "Ay! Way back man... I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop it off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle the same day." The German trucker snorted and said... "Oh Ya....vat rig ver you driving?" The old fella replied... "A Lancaster A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing Ive seen a man do in my whole life. The Harley rider replies, Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right. The reporter says, Well, Ill make sure this wont go unnoticed. Im a journalist, you know, and tomorrows paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? The biker replies, Im a U.S. Marine and a Republican. The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the Washington Post to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front pa U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH ....and THAT, pretty much sums up the medias approach to the news these days... In a cosy and exclusive little restaurant a man was dining alone. He called a waiter and asked him to take a bottle of Merlot to a particularly attractive woman who was also sitting alone at a table on the other side of the room. The waiter duly offered the bottle of Merlot to the woman and whispered: "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there".... indicating the sender by a discreet nod of his head. She studied the wine nonchalantly for a few seconds then, without a glance at the man, she decided to send a reply to him by a note. She quietly asked the waiter to remain for a moment while she wrote her response. He took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "Thank you for your kind attention. I'm sorry but, for me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank - and seven inches in your trousers!......" After reading the note, the man decided to respond in the same way and composed a note of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Thank you for your note. This is to let you know things arent always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have over twenty million pounds in my offshore bank accounts - and I pilot my own helicopter. I also have three beautiful homes in Corfu, Venice and Monte Carlo. Next week I am flying to my own private Scottish island retreat to relax for a week or two and it would be wonderful if you could accompany me there. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the f**king wine back." An old lady dies and goes to heaven. Shes chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden She hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. Dont worry about that, says St. Peter, Its only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings. The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. Oh my Goodness, says the old lady,now what is happening? Not to worry, says St. Peter,Shes just having her head drilled to fit the halo. I cant do this, says the old lady, Im going to hell. You cant go to that nasty place, says St. Peter. Youll be raped and sodomised. Maybe so, says the old lady, but Ive already got the holes for that. Well, it's different !! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they wont tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes. The little girl screams to her sister Dont eat it, its an arsehole.
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