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a few jokes

{{forumThread.upVotes}} Created by Coldm Guards/Rmp 28 February 2012 10:03 831 views Link  
Scouse 28 February 2012 10:03
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Originally Posted by
hy this is scouse or tony served in the airmens messhbetween 1958/61 at raf geilenkkirchen found dave taylor who lives in sheffield any one who would like to get in touch with dave please let me know SCOUSE
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Coldm Guards/Rmp 28 February 2012 12:50
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Originally Posted by
a few jokes

A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. OLearys cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a firemans worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs. For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "Im really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and were really very bored with them. Weve never had a lawyer." He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but dont let that fool you. He really is an idiot." - Groucho Marx "His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it." - F. H. Bradley "The stupid persons idea of a clever person." - Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley "Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon." - Abbie Hoffman "The only genius with an IQ of 60." - Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol "A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind" - Anon. "Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today" - Anon. "Brains arent everything. In fact in your case theyre nothing" - Anon. "Dont let you mind wander - its far too small to be let out on its own" - Anon. "He always finds himself lost in thought - its an unfamiliar territory" - Anon. "He doesnt know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesnt know the meaning of most words" - Anon. "I dont know what makes you so dumb but it really works" - Anon. "I dont think you are a fool, but whats my opinion compared to that of thousands of others" - Anon. "He does Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?" - Don Rickles "Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, youre no use to anyone." - John Cooper Clarke "He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard." - Anon "She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly." - Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor "She loves NATURE - In spite of what it did to her." - Anon "Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?" - Don Rickles "When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs." - Anon "I dont want you to turn the other cheek - its just as ugly." - Anon "Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday." - Anon "See, thats whats meant by dark and handsome. When its dark, hes handsome." - Anon "Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?" - Anon "Dont you need a license to be that ugly?" - Anon "Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!" - Anon "Ive seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!" - Anon the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe" Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! Anyone who told you to be yourself couldnt have given you worse advice. Are your parents siblings? As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? Do you ever wonder what life would be like if youd had enough oxygen at birth? Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you? Dont you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull? Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? Dont you need a license to be that ugly? Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege! Go ahead, tell them everything you know. Itll only take 10 seconds. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed! He is living proof that man can live without a brain! He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. Hes not stupid; hes possessed by a retarded ghost. Heres 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change! Hi! Im a human being! What are you? How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? Id like to see things from your point of view but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that youve never used it. I bet your mother has a loud bark! I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit? I dont consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. I dont know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! I dont think you are a fool. But then whats MY opinion against thousands of others? I hear the only place youre ever invited is outside. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there. I know you are nobodys fool but maybe someone will adopt you. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. I would ask you how old you are but I know you cant count that high. Id like to help you out. Which way did you come in? Id like to leave you with one thought...but Im not sure you have anywhere to put it! Id love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. Ill never forget the first time we met - although Ill keep trying. Im busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? Ive seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! If I ever need a brain transplant, Id choose yours because Id want a brain that had never been used. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldnt be murder; it would be genocide! If what you dont know cant hurt you, shes invulnerable. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. If your brain was chocolate it wouldnt fill an M&M. Keep talking, someday youll say something intelligent. Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control! Pardon me, but youve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadnt. There is no vaccine against stupidity.
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..... 28 February 2012 12:57
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Originally Posted by
Quoting: tony ennis hy this is scouse or tony served in the airmens messhbetween 1958/61 at raf geilenkkirchen found dave taylor who lives in sheffield any one who would like to get in touch with dave please let me know SCOUSE Tony. Try your enquiry elsewhere as this is a joke site and not all folks look on here. Good luck J.D.
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Raymond Hall 7 March 2012 12:29
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Originally Posted by
young girl on bus

had to use pulic transport this morning ,car in for service, when the bus arrived iwas lucky and got the last seat,bus was just about move off when a pretty young girl jumped on at the last moment ,shelooked hot and bothered and I offered her my seat.and asked if she was feeling ok ,yes thankyou she said its just that being pregnant makes you so tired, I took a good look at her, trim, taught, terrific,how long have you been pregnant I said? she looked at her watch and said "ABOUT TEN MINUETS
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