It's a small terrier,and it tends to bark a lot.
If your interested let me know and I'll jump
over my neighbour's fence
and get it for you.
His wife asks him "Where did you sleep last night?"
The husband replies
"Oh . At a friend's place"
So the wife telephones 10 of his friends.
So 6 of them say he spent the night there-
4 of them said he's still sleeping .
MOTHER READING A STORY TO HER YOUNG DAUGHTER.
ONCE UPON A TIME , AMAN ASKED A GIRL TO MARRY HIM THE GIRL SAID " no".
SHE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, SHE WENT SHOPPING,DANCING AND DRINKING.
SHE ALWAYS HAD A CLEAN HOUSE ,NEVER COOKED AND LOOKED FABULOUS ALL
THE TIME. THE END
STOP PRESS NEWS FLASH.
3 YOUNG LIVERPOOL players failed the after game drugs test ,
they were found to have taken CALPOL.
WAS DRAFTED BY THE ARMY.
ON HIS FIRST DAY IN BASIC TRAINING THE THE ARMY ISSUED HIM WITH
THAT AFTERNOON THE BARBER SHAVED OFF ALL HIS HAIR .
THE SECOND DAY THE ARMY ISSUED HERMAN WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.
THAT AFTERNOON THE ARMY DENTIST YANKED OUT SEVEN OF HIS TEETH.
ON THE THIRD DAY THE ARMY ISSUED HIM WITH A JOCK-STRAP.
THE ARMY HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR HERMAN FOR 51 YEARS.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,,,, grandma.. ?
They thoughtfully made a sign that read "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They also made sure every passing car saw the sign and had ample opportunity to read it.
However, one driver didn't appreciate their concern.
"Leave us be, you religious fanatics!" he shouted at them.
Just then a big splashing noise occurred, and the two pastors looked at each other. Finally, one spoke...
"Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'bridge out' instead?"
THROW HER INTO BED...
AND CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE WHILE SHE SLEEPS.
In a linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world,
Mr. Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation
which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of scotch!
SHARON IS NOT UP FOR A GOOD TIME
WHAT AN AWKWARD PHONE CALL THAT WAS...
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
An Irishman is now head of British Rail..........Nah - couldn't be the same one?!!
Go outside and pee in the garden --if ants gather Diabetes.
If you pee on your feet Prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue --Cholesterol.
When you shake it and it hurts--Osteoarthritis.
If you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants --Alzheimer's.
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tyre.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off, then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it, It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Max and his wife Lola received a letter from their daughter who had gone to study "Modern Biochemistry" overseas.
She wrote, "My beloved parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back, you will be so old. Therefore, I am enclosing a bottle of a red potion that I have invented. It will make you 5 years younger, and so when I return, you will be the same age as I left you. *Please, take only a drop.* Goodbye I love you!"
They opened the envelope and found the bottle with the red potion.
Max looked at his wife and said, "You go first."
Lola took a drop and when she indeed turned 5 years younger, Max embraced his turn.
Years later, the daughter returns home to find her mother... she is younger and happier, and she is carrying a baby on her back. She tells her daughter how the potion worked and how it has made her look younger. The daughter is happy and she asks about her father.
"Your father? Hmmm! You know how men don't listen! He drank the whole bottle."
"Whaaat! Where is he?"
"Who do you think is on my back?"
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Is this just fantasy?
Top of the Premier League.
There’s no escape from reality.
Open your eyes, look up at the top and see.
We’re not United.
We need no sympathy.
Because It's easy pass, easy goals, little Salah, little Robbo.
Any way the VAR blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me.
Salah, just killed a game.
Put a ball inside the net, pulled the trigger, now it’s dead.
Salah, life had just begun.
But now Man City have thrown it all away.
Salah, you didn't mean to make me cry.
But we’ll be still on top this time tomorrow.
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.
Too late, Klopps time has come.
Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, we’re going to win the league.
Gotta leave them all behind and face the truth
Salah ooh (Any way the wind blows).
I don't wanna cry.
I sometimes wish you never played for Chelsea at all.
Liverpool really matters,
Anyone can see,
Liverpool really matters,
Liverpool really matters to me.
Anyway the premier league goes.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided
a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to the mall and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit
of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.I wish I was there to put them on for you
the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them
for me on Friday night.l my love.
“P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”
St. Peter said, "I know that you are all forgiven because you are here. But before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you 2 questions.
Your answer will depend on what kind of transportation you receive to travel through Heaven. You have to have transportation in Heaven because it is so big!"
St. Peter asks the first guy to step forward.
He asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" ...... "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Fiat 500 for you to drive."
The second guy stepped forward and got the same questions from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Audi for you."
The third guy stepped forward and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Bentley!"
A little while later, the 2 guys with the Fiat 500 and the Audi saw the guy with the Bentley crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife ........
She was on a skateboard!"
HM: I’ve been studying this awful virus, I believe there is no cure yet?
DOC: No ma’am, but we are working on it as we speak.
HM: Can you help these poor people at all, maybe a special diet?
DOC: Yes ma’am, toast.
HM: Really? Does toast have special qualities to help this awful situation?
DOC: No ma’am, it’s all we can get under the door.
who claimed he was from Devon.
I asked him "Whereabouts
in Devon Mate?"
they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed to the checkout
to the ask if they had any, a firm
"NO" was the answer.
Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers around my ankles
was a walk I never want to do again.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here?!”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked me straight in the eyes and said,
"I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you keep an eye my dog?"
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet – the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and “rinse.”
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.