A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite BIBLE story. She was puzzled by a boy's picture which showed 4 people on an aircraft. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." he replied. "I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus", she said, "but who's the fourth person?," she asked. "Oh, that's Pontus, the pilot," came the answer.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.
"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son".
Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".
The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
"You have found your man," I responded,
"Whenever there was a problem in my last job they always said that I was responsible!"
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR ]
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ,
THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
In a Thailand department store rest room
Smoking not allowed. 2,000 baths fine
So light up and get clean (two thousand times!)!
Full time Liverpool 4 Barca 0
Tomorrow ????????? The Liverpool post code for their ground is
L4.OTH. THe result seems to have been worked out
For Liverpool 4 for Tottenham ) Hotspur )
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy,
with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school
. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon
. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne.
They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,
explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home
. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
I think it will be Liverpool 3. Spurs 1.
Scouse supporters has the advantage that win or lose they would not have to get up for work on Monday morning
After the match and presentation of "OLD BIG EARS". for those who don't know what that means the European cup
number 6, I got the last train home. Next day I was in the crowd of approx 750,000 people (only 500,000 actually
live in Liverpool) last time in 2005 the same thing happened.100's of thousands were there in Lime st
not one single report of any trouble in city centre both times the press must have been disappointed nothing
bad to report..To any other scousers on this site Y.N.W.A.
Liverpool were the best team by a mile and the turnout for the homecoming was amazing.
My best pal in the Senior Service (RAF) was a Liverpool lad. Stevie Morgan (Edge Hill area)
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says,
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him... a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
How Hot is It in Hell?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are note member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2.cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."
The student got the only A....
"Well you look OK to me" said the doc, "but I'll do a few blood tests. Come back in a couple of days
". The little paper bag returned on schedule, only to be told the bad news.
"I'm afraid you're HIV" said the doctor.
"That's impossible-I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you had any unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "Don't be silly, I'm just a little paper bag".
"Have yo...u been sharing any needles with drug users?"
"No, I'm just a little paper bag I can't do those things!".
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?".
"No, I don't even have a passport, I'm a little paper bag!"
"There can only be one explanation", said the doctor.
"You're mother must have been a carrier!!.
Sorry it's rubbish
Good Luck for tomorrow. J.D.
We got married last Friday
my girl was right there beside me
Our friends were all gone
We were alone
"Side by Side".
We were so happily wed,
when she got ready for bed
then her teeth and her hair
she placed on a chair
"Side by Side"
One glass eye, so tiny
One hearing-aid so small
Then she took one leg off
and placed it on the chair by the wall.
I stood there brokenhearted
most of my girl had departed
I slept on the chair
there was more of her there,
SIDE BY SIDE>
which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation
that the inferior car drivers were giving me,
I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway,
but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights
to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way
. Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him, he did just that,
but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him,
he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder
so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper
confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so
I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)
But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW it won't be much longer
before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence,
so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive an BMW.
I went into his office for my very first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:
"Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
IN SOME OF THEIR STORES.
THERE WILL BE AN EXPRESS LANE
FOR PEOPLE WITH TWELVE TEETH OR LESS
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home.
He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed.
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.
He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills,
went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
Cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum
, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion.
He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board
and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.
By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads.
He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed
where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, O please, let us trade back!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson
and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!"
"Give me three good reasons why you should get a raise."
The maid said, "Ok. One - I can cook better than you."
The lady asked, "Who told you that?" "Your husband" replied the maid.
"Two - I can iron better than you." "Who told you that?" asked the lady indignantly.
"Your husband" replied the maid.
"O k," said the lady. "What's the third reason?"
The maid said, "Three - I'm better in bed than you."
This time the lady was furious. "Did my husband tell you that?" she shouted.
"No, the gardener did."
The lady doubled the maid's wages instantly.
so he knocked on the door and the owner answered and the traveller asked
if he could spend the night there as it was cold and raining.
He invited him in and told his daughter to fix them dinner.
During dinner the traveller could not take his eyes of the man's daughter
. During the meal the father warned him that if he had any thoughts
about his daughter, to forget them because if anything should happen the man would face the 3 Chinese tortures.
After dinner they said their good nights and went to bed.
The traveller visited the daughter that night and made passionate love her not taking her father's warning seriously.
He returned to his room and slept like a log.
When he woke up the next morning he saw a note on his pillow that said,
Chinese torture number 1, rock on chest so he laughed and tossed the rock out the widow.
As the rock was in the air he saw another note that read
Chinese torture number 2,rock tied to left testicle
so in a split second he leapt out of bed to try and catch the rock he had just thrown out
, thinking he could outsmart the father.
As he was soaring through the window he read a message on the ground outside saying
, Chinese torture number 3,
right testicle tied to bed post....
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress to wear. After all, it's your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother to wear to the wedding. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
no one ever sees your tears.
Sometimes when your sad
no one understands your pain.
Sometimes when your happy,
no one sees your smile.
You just have to "Fart" once,
And everyone knows.??????