SCOUSE HUMOUR
I think this has been done before
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite BIBLE story. She was puzzled by a boy's picture which showed 4 people on an aircraft. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." he replied. "I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus", she said, "but who's the fourth person?," she asked. "Oh, that's Pontus, the pilot," came the answer.
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite BIBLE story. She was puzzled by a boy's picture which showed 4 people on an aircraft. So she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." he replied. "I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus", she said, "but who's the fourth person?," she asked. "Oh, that's Pontus, the pilot," came the answer.
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.
"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his bag and began working on it.
"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son".
Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".
He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son".
A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son".
Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".
A man walks in the pub and sees his pal stood at the bar looking very serious. he asks him what is the problem and his mate says "Oh it's the job in the office at work, as you know we specialise in supplying motor parts from the Far East and after interviewing applicants for the position I have narrowed it down to two females. His pal says So just go ahead and pick one. The man says "There is the problem, one speaks both Japanese and Chinese fluently but knows nothing about the motor trade the other one she only speaks Yorkshire but has worked in just about every motor spares wharehouse". His mate says I don't see what your problem is Just go ahead and pick the one with the biggest Tits.
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Did I read that right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR ]
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ,
THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW"
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR ]
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ,
THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
In a Thailand department store rest room
Smoking not allowed. 2,000 baths fine
So light up and get clean (two thousand times!)!
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
In a Thailand department store rest room
Smoking not allowed. 2,000 baths fine
So light up and get clean (two thousand times!)!
Subject: The Fifth Parrot
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy,
with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school
. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon
. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne.
They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,
explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home
. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy,
with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school
. They have a second home in Bali.
Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon
. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne.
They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy.
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty,
explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home
. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Originally Posted by Scouse
Thanks Tommy, love them all !!
Daly your pushing your luck. I went to watch the match at 4 pm in the city centre. the place was buzzing
After the match and presentation of "OLD BIG EARS". for those who don't know what that means the European cup
number 6, I got the last train home. Next day I was in the crowd of approx 750,000 people (only 500,000 actually
live in Liverpool) last time in 2005 the same thing happened.100's of thousands were there in Lime st
not one single report of any trouble in city centre both times the press must have been disappointed nothing
bad to report..To any other scousers on this site Y.N.W.A.
After the match and presentation of "OLD BIG EARS". for those who don't know what that means the European cup
number 6, I got the last train home. Next day I was in the crowd of approx 750,000 people (only 500,000 actually
live in Liverpool) last time in 2005 the same thing happened.100's of thousands were there in Lime st
not one single report of any trouble in city centre both times the press must have been disappointed nothing
bad to report..To any other scousers on this site Y.N.W.A.
Come along now Thomas, Scousers are well known for their comic ways ( apart from John Bishop )
Liverpool were the best team by a mile and the turnout for the homecoming was amazing.
My best pal in the Senior Service (RAF) was a Liverpool lad. Stevie Morgan (Edge Hill area)
Liverpool were the best team by a mile and the turnout for the homecoming was amazing.
My best pal in the Senior Service (RAF) was a Liverpool lad. Stevie Morgan (Edge Hill area)
An Admiral was being driven to Portsmouth in a fleet car being driven by a gorgeous wren. Half way there the engine stuttered and stopped. The wren got out opened the bonnet and was leaning forward allowing her skirt to rise somewhat. The admiral got out of the car and having surveyed the scene asked the wren driver..."would you like a screwdriver" to which she quickly replied..." No sir, we don't have the time"!
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