to his first-year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject,
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what
your ******** is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
"Probably out fishing with his mates!!" she replied.
A Yorkshire Lad owns Greyhounds and one of them wins the Greyhound Derby and earns him a small fortune. So he goes to a Goldsmiths and shows him a picture of the Animal. "Eh up Lad i want a Replica of this 'ere dog in Solid Gold" The Goldsmith enquires "Do you want it Eighteen Carat/" and the Yorkshire man says "No Lad Just chewing on a Bone will be all reet"
Hw can you tll when it is time for Breakfast in Barnsley "Summat eight"
An American Tourist was in a Manchester Church taking photos and he see's a Gold Telephone £10,000 per call.to God when he asks why a call is so expensive the he is told "Because that phone is connected straight to Heaven.
Later he goes into Churches in Blackburn, Wigan,Oldham and everywhere in Lancashire there is a Solid Gold phone and the price is £10,000 per call direct to Heaven and God.
Sometime later whilst touring Yorkshire and visiting Selby Abbey he see tshe same solid Gold Phone with a sign saying "All phone calls "25p Pence to Heaven "
The Yank is mystified and asks how come a call on the Solid Gold phone to Heaven is £10 ,000 and yet here on the other side of the Penines in Yorkshire it is only 25p.
The Abbot smiles knowingly and says "The reason is my Son is because here it is a Local Call"
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled...............
"Oh My God!!!!
The second guy said 'That's great, my son is also my pride and joy, he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot, eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets, he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said 'my son has also done well, he studied in the best universities and became an engineer, then he started his own construction company and is now a multi-millionaire, he also gave away something nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked 'What are all the congratulations for ?'. 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son ?' The fourth man replied 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub'. The three friends said 'What a shame....what a disappointment'. The fourth man replied 'No, I'm not ashamed, he's my son and I love him and he hasn't done too badly either, his birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends'.
The foreman takes him round the plant and shows him all the machinery
and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the man.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check one in a hundred", and
proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line,
stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his manhood,
calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her
knickers down and bends over. The foreman does the business and after he's
finished he removes the Durex, stretches it, holds it up to the light again
confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the man, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is
outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production
starts up and the man faithfully counts out 100 ribbed black mambo's
(lubricated with ensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st,
stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it
over his manhood and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to vigorously
masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the man just looks at the
secretary who says...........
"Sorry, it's company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis"
While lookin g for the ball he came across a leprechaun
trapped in some brambles. Using his driver as a lever he freed the leprechaun.
"For what you have done .Leprechaun Law requires that I grant you three wishes".
"I don't believe in that sort of thing" said the golfer and strode away which left the leprechaun with a problem. The only solution was to arrange three good things for the golfer using leprechaun magic. He decided to improve the golfer's health, improve his golf game and improve his sex life.
Several monthe later the golfer again sliced into the rough and came across the wee man.
"Hi" said the leprechaun "remember me?'"
"May I sk you some personal questions?
"How is your health?"
'Much better" said the golfer "I used to suffer from severe arthritis but all that has gone now"
" How is your golf game?'
"Tremendous improvement. I am now the club champion"
"What about you sex life?"
What do you mean "O.K.? How often do you have sex?"
"About once a week."
"Once a week !! surely a good looking man like you can do better than that".
"For a parish priest in a small village it's not bad."
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down
past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hand down over her
breasts stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock
and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,
"That was wonderful. Why did you stop"
He said,"I found the remote".
Murphy drops a slice of buttered toast onto the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down....
So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious.Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and
then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.
"Oh my," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It must be miracle.
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.
He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle
. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No Miracle'
They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side."
"Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now tell me where is Larry's bar?"
Last week my kids got soaking wet in the rain while I was having a fag in the car.
They were literally banging on the windows begging me to let them in,
but as I explained to them, it's illegal.
Obviously you have got time off for good behaviour so glad to have you around again. With a bit if luck "The Reds" might make it into Second Place.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out
On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking....
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gor...geous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Mc Tavish but my friends call me Paddy"
Spotted in a Safari Park. ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Notice in a farmers field. THE OWNER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door. WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. Please knock hard on the door as the bell doesn't work.
Newspaper headline. MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER.
coming from his mouth. Being concerned I asked its rider a policewoman why was her mount
was so hot and sweaty. Without blinking an eyelid she answered
"Wouldn't you be if I had my thighs wrapped around you".
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make £48,000 a year and you make £1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the engine running.”
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they had a lot to do.
So she called him on his cellphone. He answered and the wife said
"Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said " you remember that jewelers we went to about 10 yrs. ago, and
you fell in love with that diamond necklace?"
She thought about it and suddenly said "yes I remember."
He continued " Remember I couldn't afford it at the time and I said one day I
would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up...
"Yes, I do remember that shop." She replied.
"Well I'm at the bar next door to that."
My Wife said i hope you have not forgotten that Saturday is our 25th. wedding anniversary ." Of course not I replied , i have already booked a table for 8 p.m. "
Wow when i came home she was already to go. New dress, new shoes and handbag. I never realized she was so keen on Snooker........
over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old
Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was
badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the
heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night.... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Now, my neighbors raised these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends,
they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding,
they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances,
living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to
broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?'
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
"Help me please help me, there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequent
urgency. It is going to hurt me, it is going to kill me, please help me and send the brigade to me right away". "Take it easy cats don't hurt us, just relax wait until it leaves." "You don't understand it is going to bite me and kill me, it is going to be fatal." "Cats aren't like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" I'm Josephine's
parrot you jerk. Help me please, please help."
Inn keeper, "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest, "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper, "Good I'll get you some nails and wood."
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……………
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as sometimes happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she had explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you really think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied.
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
· What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
· If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
· Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
· Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
· Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
· Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
· Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
· 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
· If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
· Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
· If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
· If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)
He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a taxi when he hears a shout from behind the hospital guardrail, where one of the patients has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, mate! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tyres on until you can get to a garage or something".
Morgan is amazed by the patient's seeming rationality, but he understands the plan will work, and installs the spare tyre without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid".
While riding my motor bike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch,
severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible car
pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
"As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the... car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes
and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed,
but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers
and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,
"I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the bike, I guess."
Sorry, hope you all had a great Christmas Tongue
In order to decide which to hire, the manager gives them a written test.
Both men score nine out of ten, and the manager gave the job to the first applicant.
"Why did you do that ?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions right".
"Well," says the manager, "For question five, the other applicant wrote "I don't know". For question five, you wrote "Neither do I".
SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
As he sat there, a voice from the next cubicle called out, "Hi, how's it going?"
Not wishing to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad, thanks".
A few seconds later, the voice asked, "What are you up to ?".
Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Going to the loo".
Then he heard the voice again.
"Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some idiot in the next cubicle butting in !"