It's a small terrier,and it tends to bark a lot.
If your interested let me know and I'll jump
over my neighbour's fence
and get it for you.
His wife asks him "Where did you sleep last night?"
The husband replies
"Oh . At a friend's place"
So the wife telephones 10 of his friends.
So 6 of them say he spent the night there-
4 of them said he's still sleeping .
MOTHER READING A STORY TO HER YOUNG DAUGHTER.
ONCE UPON A TIME , AMAN ASKED A GIRL TO MARRY HIM THE GIRL SAID " no".
SHE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, SHE WENT SHOPPING,DANCING AND DRINKING.
SHE ALWAYS HAD A CLEAN HOUSE ,NEVER COOKED AND LOOKED FABULOUS ALL
THE TIME. THE END
STOP PRESS NEWS FLASH.
3 YOUNG LIVERPOOL players failed the after game drugs test ,
they were found to have taken CALPOL.
WAS DRAFTED BY THE ARMY.
ON HIS FIRST DAY IN BASIC TRAINING THE THE ARMY ISSUED HIM WITH
THAT AFTERNOON THE BARBER SHAVED OFF ALL HIS HAIR .
THE SECOND DAY THE ARMY ISSUED HERMAN WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.
THAT AFTERNOON THE ARMY DENTIST YANKED OUT SEVEN OF HIS TEETH.
ON THE THIRD DAY THE ARMY ISSUED HIM WITH A JOCK-STRAP.
THE ARMY HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR HERMAN FOR 51 YEARS.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,,,, grandma.. ?
They thoughtfully made a sign that read "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They also made sure every passing car saw the sign and had ample opportunity to read it.
However, one driver didn't appreciate their concern.
"Leave us be, you religious fanatics!" he shouted at them.
Just then a big splashing noise occurred, and the two pastors looked at each other. Finally, one spoke...
"Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'bridge out' instead?"
THROW HER INTO BED...
AND CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE WHILE SHE SLEEPS.
In a linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world,
Mr. Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation
which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was:
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of scotch!
SHARON IS NOT UP FOR A GOOD TIME
WHAT AN AWKWARD PHONE CALL THAT WAS...
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss.
"Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
An Irishman is now head of British Rail..........Nah - couldn't be the same one?!!
Go outside and pee in the garden --if ants gather Diabetes.
If you pee on your feet Prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue --Cholesterol.
When you shake it and it hurts--Osteoarthritis.
If you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants --Alzheimer's.
explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tyre.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off, then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to
make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it, It was
your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,
Mister, I TOLD HER!"