more milk when the farmer
talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear
and out the udder.
*WIFE:*What would you do if i died?
Would you get married again?
*Husband:*No...how can I think of marrying?
*Wife:*Why not?You would need company...for good and bad moments..
.. please marry again
*Husband:*..you are so sweet.... even after death u r worrying about me...
*Wife:*So promise me, u will remarry if I die...
*Husband:*O.k, o.k, I will get married again...just for you
*Wife:*Would you live in our house with your new wife...?
*Husband:*Yes, but I will never let her use your room.
*Wife:*Would you let her drive my car ?
*Husband:*no...its yours... I will keep it as your memory... and buy her a new one..
*Wife:Would you give her my jewelry?
*Husband:*No...how can I...? It has your memories attached...
I am sure she would want her own.
*Wife:*Would she wear my shoes..?
*Husband:*No, never... her size is '7', and yours is 9
*Husband's funeral is tomorrow, please attend....*
copy and paste
behind your back
then just fart.
AND HAS HAD A BAD TIME OF LATE SENT THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE.
DO YOU AGREE WITH HIM
I must mention the topic of the month; V.A.R. or as I call it VARCICLE
How come for over a century football rules were understood by the greater majority
of the fans and every Saturday, yes that was Footie day, we would all argue whether
it was a Pen, offside, Goal etc etc, but over a season decisions balanced out.
Then we get the M O T D and the SKY etc lot slowing the game down and turning
the football match into an episode of QUINCY, slowed down 500 times,
played, replayed and again and again.
Another JOBSWORTH in EUFA then throws his few euros worth in,
if the ball should hit your arm at the speed of an Exocet Missile it’s a penalty,
(forgot, unless it’s Everton of course)
. Micrometers and Linear Gauges are introduced to see if one of your player’s pubic hairs
is ahead of a boil on some defenders nose and you’re off-side.
Furthermore, the match can now last for up to 2 hours because, the VAR Official
needs to peruse the incident 151 times, with the best one from Anthony Taylor
(******* have to curb my expletives) decides that as; 2 players were challenging for the same ball
, oh ye, the hand ball isn’t a hand ball, so Everton got shafted again.
Although a BLUENOSE, I have no doubt there isn’t a genuine fan, who goes to the game
, can take much more of this destruction of the Wonderful Game.
RANT OVER & FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
"WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES
ANOTHER DOOR OPENS
A LOVELY MAN
BUT A TERRIBLE CABINETMAKER
AS A KID
1 THE FATTEST KID WENT IN GOAL.
2 THE PERSON WHO'S BALL IT WAS
DECIDES WHO PLAYS.
3 PENALTIES ONLY AWARDED IF THERE IS A BROKEN LEG.
4 THE MATCH ONLY ENDS WHEN THE PERSON WHO OWNS THE BALL GETS CALLED IN FOR HIS DINNER.
5 EVEN IF YOUR TEAM IS WINNING 27-NIL THE WINNER IS ALWAYS DETERMINED BY (NEXT GOAL WINS.)
6 NO REFEREE.
7 IF NOBODY HAS A FOOTBALL A CAN WILL DO.
8 IF YOU WERE PICKED LAST -YOU HAD NO CHANCE IN LIFE.
9 WHOEVER KICKS IT OVER A FENCE GETS IT
10 GETTING THE BALL STUCK UNDER A CAR IS THE MOST STRESSFUL PART OF LIFE
, HAS SUED St PAUL'S HOSPITAL SAYING
AFTER HIS WIFE HAD SURGERY THERE SHE LOST ALL INTEREST IN SEX.
A HOSPITAL SPOKESMAN REPLIED;
"MRS HARPER WAS ADMITTED FOR CATARACT SURGERY .
ALL WE DID WAS CORRECT HER EYESIGHT
School Football Rules (Well in my old school anyway)
1. It was always either raining or snowing.
2. The park where you played seemed miles from the school.
3. No-one ever wore gloves - except the PE Teacher.
4. The PE Teacher always had his favourite – and it showed.
5. The ball was always heavier than your boots – even when dry.
6. If you couldn’t head the ball you were called a fairy.
7. The ball was never fully pumped up because of the small hole in the bladder.
8. If anyone fell over and complained of a foul they were laughed at and ignored.
9. If you weren’t very good (that would be me) you were told you were useless.
10. If you were any good you got told to stop showing off.
back to the.house, in Liverpool where I was born( 1943) to see if it was still the same.
It is but on the subject of playing in the street It was slightly disappointing
( health and safety wise) in their wisdom someone decided to dig up all the
private bushes which were our sidelines. Also when you got tackled you went
straight through into the neighbouring gardens ,either side
There were trees either side of the road
which eventually were put on the bonfires over the years, our goalposts, with any
old furniture and the neighbours wooden gates' , There wasn't a child out playing ,that day,
the weather didn't matter in our time, from 1/2 four to about 10 at night only disturbed by
"Tommy get in for your tea" then out again till someone burst the ball or there was nobody left.
If the ball burst it could be stuffed with paper and string tied around it.
The standards were quite high with several lads eventually went on to play professionally-
Gerry Burn-Liverpool, Chris Lawler -Liverpool full backs .and Stan Harland Everton./ Swindon.
This took place in the road there's almost no fields around now that have not been turned into
housing estates. As private Fraser from dad's army, said "we're Doomed" see you Dave keep contributing
" When a customer comes into his shop, he says. "Meat to please you!"
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
IS THAT YOU CAN NEVER KNOW IF THEY ARE GENUINE
for the wife last year and forgot to give her it..
..she would have loved that puppy
HE POINTED A KNIFE AT ME AND ASKED "YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE".
I TOLD HIM I'M MARRIED....SO I HAVE NO MONEY OR A LIFE.
WE HUGGED AND CRIED TOGETHER
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.
HER BOYFRIEND WOULD HAVE DONE IT ONLY HE'S OUT OF TOWN.
THE CONDUCTOR TRIED TO INTERVENE WHEN THE BUS DRIVER SHOUTED TO THE CONDUCTOR."LET THE UGLY ONE TAKE THE SEAT"
BOTH WOMEN STOOD UP FOR THE REST OF THE JOURNEY
ARE MERGING WITH POUND STRETCHERS.
IT WILL BE KNOWN AS
DECIDED WE DON'T WANT
TO HAVE CHILDREN
WE'LL BE TELLING THEM
TONIGHT AT DINNER.
behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking to long to order
. Wow! So, me being a nice person, I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy
at me because the teller told her I paid for her food.
She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food,
I showed them both receipts and took her food too!
I paid for it, it’s mine!
Now she has to wait even longer.
So I Honked my horn and screamed back, “Patience is a virtue”
An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position o n the couch, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar,
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar
, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on…
"You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and
we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch.
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for over thirty years
and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now,
she might be disappointed."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?
” "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?” "Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen''
You get what you get,
Deal with it.
My mum as a Grandma.
Would you like your grilled cheese cut into stars or hearts.
hold onto it with both hands....
tacos can be hard to handle.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
everyone is silent.
STOMACH:I will now
mating call of
Laurence ex medic
So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"
And then she switched on the light...
"No madam", said the Gardener.
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again,the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally,the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ...
Naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete and Bill Browning,
and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
back to upset everyone.
The worst part of spanking a disobedient child in the
supermarket is having
absolutely no idea
whose child it is.