He said he was having it away with twins.
I asked if he had them both at the same time.
He said, "No! Do you think I'm kinky?"
I said, "How do you tell them apart?"
He said, "Mary's got blonde hair and Derek has got a moustache"
I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said" Remove cap and push up bottom".
It hurts to walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend"....
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool"......
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her".....
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"....?
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block!!..
so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back????
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention
that there was a condition to your wishes."
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said. "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Please scroll down!
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love....
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00
"How are you grandpa?” asked his Grandson.
Grandpa replied, "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" asked his Grandson.
Grandpa replied, "No problem, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...
and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the charge nurse.
"What are you people doing?" He asks. "I am told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate
and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who ("messed"F??????) up your hair?"
BIKE STILL FOR SALE ?
YES IT IS.
What's the lowest you'll
go on it?
2 M.p.h Anything less than that
and you'll tip over
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussycat.’
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
"I'll give you six months to stop that or I'll write for the police!"
Not actually a saying but interesting and written in 43BC by Cicero of
the Roman Empire.
1. The Poor-work and work
2. The Rich-exploit the poor.
3. The Soldier-protects both.
4. The Taxpayer-pays for all three.
5. The Banker-robs all four.- This is so true in Australia as found by
a Royal Commission
6. The Lawyer- mislead all five.
7. The Doctor- bills all six.
8. The Politician- lives happily on account of all eight.
on the 28TH October
and was wished Many Happy Returns.
Sorry terrible joke
morning and said
"Sorry boss I can't come
in this morning I've have
a wee cough."
He said "you have a wee cough?"
I said" Really?"
"Thanks boss see you next week
Always wear underclothes when in public especially when working under your vehicle.
From the local newspaper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to the shopping centre only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping whilst he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public parts. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back in place . On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The RACO (RAC)mechanic had to have three stitches in his forehead.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A WOMAN!!
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME WHO HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY-LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT,
GRAY, DECREPIT SOB ASKED,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?" ?