SCOUSE HUMOUR
A Very Long One
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..
I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...?
THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..
I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!!
It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...?
THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Distracted Driving Incident - (Man vs. Woman) LMAO
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving
And when I looked back, she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt and
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
into my coffee which was
Between my legs,
Splashed, and burned
Big Jim and the Twins.
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving
And when I looked back, she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt and
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
into my coffee which was
Between my legs,
Splashed, and burned
Big Jim and the Twins.
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Once upon a time the Department of Defense had a vast scrap yard
in the middle of a desert. DOD said “Someone may steal from it at night.
" So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job
. Then DOD said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?
" So they created a planning department and hired two people,
one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then DOD said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?
" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people one to do the studies
and one to write the reports.
Then DOD said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.
Then DOD said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people,
an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then DOD said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
in the middle of a desert. DOD said “Someone may steal from it at night.
" So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job
. Then DOD said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?
" So they created a planning department and hired two people,
one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then DOD said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?
" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people one to do the studies
and one to write the reports.
Then DOD said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.
Then DOD said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people,
an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then DOD said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Originally Posted by Scouse
This one just about says it all Tommy !!!!
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer.
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer.
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married.
Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love.
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing.
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room.
It's bigger than mine.
We can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable.
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five dollars a week
And I get 8 dollars' that's about 52 dollars a month
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have Little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh-t is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married.
Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love.
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing.
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room.
It's bigger than mine.
We can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable.
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Lucy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five dollars a week
And I get 8 dollars' that's about 52 dollars a month
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.
"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have Little children of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh-t is adorable.
Oldie
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,
"Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh, yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a
sleepy voice, she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for heaven's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,
"Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh, yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a
sleepy voice, she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for heaven's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, TX and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'
The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'
'Don't be flattered' she replied...
'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'
The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'
'Don't be flattered' she replied...
'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'
9 Things Women Say
1 "Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.
2 "Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 "Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4 "Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5 'Loud Sigh'
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6 "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7 "Thanks"
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8 "Whatever"
Is a women's way of saying @~!* YOU!
9 "Don't worry about it, I got it."
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3
1 "Fine"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.
2 "Five Minutes"
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 "Nothing"
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4 "Go Ahead"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5 'Loud Sigh'
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6 "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7 "Thanks"
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8 "Whatever"
Is a women's way of saying @~!* YOU!
9 "Don't worry about it, I got it."
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3
Originally Posted by Scouse
I love this one particularly Tommy because it is so true !!
HUSBAND'S MESSAGE
Honey, I GOT HIT BY A CAR OUTSIDE THE OFFICE
TEENA BROUGHT ME TO HOSPITAL
THEY'VE BEEN MAKING TESTS AND X-RAYS
THE BLOW TO MY HEAD THOUGH IS VERY STRONG
WILL NOT HAVE ANY SERIOUS OR LASTING INJURY
BUT I HAVE THREE BROKEN RIBS, A BROKEN ARM,
A COMPOUND FRACTURE IN THE LEFT LEG AND THEY
MAY HAVE HAVE TO AMPUTATE THE RIGHT FOOT.
WIFE'S RESPONSE
WHO'S TEENA??
Honey, I GOT HIT BY A CAR OUTSIDE THE OFFICE
TEENA BROUGHT ME TO HOSPITAL
THEY'VE BEEN MAKING TESTS AND X-RAYS
THE BLOW TO MY HEAD THOUGH IS VERY STRONG
WILL NOT HAVE ANY SERIOUS OR LASTING INJURY
BUT I HAVE THREE BROKEN RIBS, A BROKEN ARM,
A COMPOUND FRACTURE IN THE LEFT LEG AND THEY
MAY HAVE HAVE TO AMPUTATE THE RIGHT FOOT.
WIFE'S RESPONSE
WHO'S TEENA??
Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job, I don't like taking advantage of the System,
getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort
the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges
as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said,"You're bullxxxxtin' me???"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job, I don't like taking advantage of the System,
getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort
the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges
as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said,"You're bullxxxxtin' me???"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded,
'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife
, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked
, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women
. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.????????
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded,
'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife
, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked
, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women
. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.????????
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded,
'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife
, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked
, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women
. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.????????
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded,
'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy,
and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife
, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked
, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women
. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.????????
Mary lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter, Sara, is constantly calling and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Mary says that she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asked her to join him for a weekend and we know what that ment.
Their first night she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She responds, "My breasts are yours to fondle, my body yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with black panties on and he's in his birthday suit, except he has an erection on which has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this, a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
Finally, Mary says that she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asked her to join him for a weekend and we know what that ment.
Their first night she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She responds, "My breasts are yours to fondle, my body yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with black panties on and he's in his birthday suit, except he has an erection on which has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this, a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
A BLOND AND A BRUNETTE WALK PAST A FLOWER SHOP WHEN THEY SEE THE BRUNETTE'S
BOYFRIEND BUYING FLOWERS.
SHE SIGHS AND SAYS, "MY BOYFRIEND'S BUYING ME FLOWERS AGAIN. NOW I'LL BE EXPECTED
TO SPEND THE WEEKEND ON MY BACK WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR.
THE BLOND SAYS " DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE "
BOYFRIEND BUYING FLOWERS.
SHE SIGHS AND SAYS, "MY BOYFRIEND'S BUYING ME FLOWERS AGAIN. NOW I'LL BE EXPECTED
TO SPEND THE WEEKEND ON MY BACK WITH MY LEGS IN THE AIR.
THE BLOND SAYS " DON'T YOU HAVE A VASE "
I'm sorry for putting a rude one this time
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's breasts for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick...
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen's breasts for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick...
A little chuckle
Yesterday I went to get my new driver’s license (got a haircut in preparation and everything).
When I was ready to pay for the license the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the government about bureaucracy Wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to go to a different office in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.
Yesterday I went to get my new driver’s license (got a haircut in preparation and everything).
When I was ready to pay for the license the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the government about bureaucracy Wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to go to a different office in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA ladies
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
.
Oh...They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!!
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.
Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
.
Oh...They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!!
Watch them or the game?
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”
Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game.”
Husband said, “Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball.
** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them)
just been to pick it up and as we were driving home,
we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag?
We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on
the passenger seat and there it was again,
more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something,
so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them)
just been to pick it up and as we were driving home,
we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag?
We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on
the passenger seat and there it was again,
more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something,
so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
Oldie
During lunch at work, I ate three plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable,
so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,
so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
During lunch at work, I ate three plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable,
so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,
so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
Thanks again for all these Tommy, just love 'em !!
Originally Posted by Scouse
I've always gone for the upperdeckerflopperstopper myself!
Originally Posted by Pamela Forbes
Me too !!!!
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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach
Originally Posted by Bob (Tuffy ) Draper
Don't know why it is Bob but no one seems to be able to download a Forum attachment at the moment so we can't see your funny picture - or are you just trying to make a point?? Certainly someone needs to !!!
An old golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes.
"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased
The moral of this story is:
If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes.
"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the golfer. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased
The moral of this story is:
If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
Due to a power cut the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
3 -year old girl to hold a flashlight high above her Mommy so he could see
whilst he helped to deliver the baby.
Little Conner was born.
The paramedic lifted him by the legs and spanked him on the bottom and
he began to cry'
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place. Spank him again.
3 -year old girl to hold a flashlight high above her Mommy so he could see
whilst he helped to deliver the baby.
Little Conner was born.
The paramedic lifted him by the legs and spanked him on the bottom and
he began to cry'
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought
about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place. Spank him again.
The president is walking out of the White House and heading to his limo
when a possible assassin steps forward
and aims a gun. A secret service agent new on the job shouts "Micky Mouse".
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later the secret serviceman,s boss takes him aside and asks
"What the hell made you shout Micky Mouse".
Blushing the agent replies
"I got nervous I meant to shout Donald, Duck!"
when a possible assassin steps forward
and aims a gun. A secret service agent new on the job shouts "Micky Mouse".
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later the secret serviceman,s boss takes him aside and asks
"What the hell made you shout Micky Mouse".
Blushing the agent replies
"I got nervous I meant to shout Donald, Duck!"
Mother Superior
The 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.
The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.
The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
The 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.
The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.
The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!
Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work
. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice,
I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER
, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning
. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars,
I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me
. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work
. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice,
I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER
, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning
. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars,
I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me
. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
This is a terrible repeat
The
Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the 2nd race,and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to
the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The
Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the 2nd race,and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to
the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
My Colonoscopy” ~ By Dave Barry
I called my friend, Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manor. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said because my brain was shrieking, HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep" which comes in box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss Movi Prep in detail later, for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall in the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth
, which is basically water only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one liter plastic jug, then you fill it with luke warm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemonThe instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be graphic, here, but have you ever seen the space shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seatbelt.
You spent several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife took me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I have been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologized to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Edie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Edie was very good and I was already lying down.
Edie, also told me that some people put vodka in their MovePrep
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your house down
When everything was ready, Edie wheeled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with the nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000 foot tube but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere, I was nervous, seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist begin hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and the song was "Dancing Queen" by Abba, I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" has to be the least appropriate
"You want me to turn it up" said Andy, from somewhere behind me. "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I have been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
The author is a Pulitzer Prize winning humorist columnist for the Miami Herald.
I called my friend, Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manor. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said because my brain was shrieking, HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep" which comes in box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss Movi Prep in detail later, for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall in the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth
, which is basically water only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one liter plastic jug, then you fill it with luke warm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemonThe instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be graphic, here, but have you ever seen the space shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seatbelt.
You spent several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife took me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I have been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologized to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Edie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Edie was very good and I was already lying down.
Edie, also told me that some people put vodka in their MovePrep
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your house down
When everything was ready, Edie wheeled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with the nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000 foot tube but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere, I was nervous, seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist begin hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and the song was "Dancing Queen" by Abba, I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" has to be the least appropriate
"You want me to turn it up" said Andy, from somewhere behind me. "Ha ha," I said. And then it was time, the moment I have been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
The author is a Pulitzer Prize winning humorist columnist for the Miami Herald.
THE PLUMBER SAYS "WHY HAVN'T YOU PAID THE BILL FOR THE
WORK I DID LAST FRIDAY"?
PADDY REPLIED "WELL THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU QUOTED".
THE PLUMBER SAID "I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A QUOTE".
PADDY REPLIED "YES YOU DID !.WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT
DAY YOU COULD COME, YOU SAID YOU WERE FREE ON FRIDAY."LOLLOL
WORK I DID LAST FRIDAY"?
PADDY REPLIED "WELL THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU QUOTED".
THE PLUMBER SAID "I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A QUOTE".
PADDY REPLIED "YES YOU DID !.WHEN I ASKED YOU WHAT
DAY YOU COULD COME, YOU SAID YOU WERE FREE ON FRIDAY."LOLLOL
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with George and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and George said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
George taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so George can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with George and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and George said that we will be very happy.
He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
George taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so George can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A teenager came down stairs to go on a date with a see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother nearly had a fit, telling her not to dare to go out like that.
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams. These are modern times you gotta let your rose buds show." and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down the stairs and the Grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains that she has her friends coming over
and it's not appropriate ---.
The grandmother says
"Loosen up sweetie if you can show off your rosebuds , I can display my hanging baskets"
Her grandmother nearly had a fit, telling her not to dare to go out like that.
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams. These are modern times you gotta let your rose buds show." and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down the stairs and the Grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains that she has her friends coming over
and it's not appropriate ---.
The grandmother says
"Loosen up sweetie if you can show off your rosebuds , I can display my hanging baskets"