SCOUSE HUMOUR
I read in the newspaper that there is an extreme shortage of 'painkillers' in the jungle.
Large quantities are sent out and distributed, but quickly disappear.
Where do all these 'painkillers' go ?
Apparently the PARROTS EAT 'EM'ALL !
Large quantities are sent out and distributed, but quickly disappear.
Where do all these 'painkillers' go ?
Apparently the PARROTS EAT 'EM'ALL !
Originally Posted by Syd Jones
Nice one Syd, just love it !!
A prisoner is asked what he wants for his last meal before his execution in the morning.
He says "Four jars of two year old roll-mops".
They tell him they don't have that in stock so he tells them he is prepared to wait.
They find some out of date ones - but he insists they must be two years old. They postpone his execution until his last meal is ready.
He greedily scoffs down every last drop. On the morning of his execution he has explosive diarrhoea. The doctors say his execution must be postponed until his health improves.
The next day he is fully recovered so they reschedule his execution and ask him what he wants for his least meal this time.
He says "Same as last time!"
He says "Four jars of two year old roll-mops".
They tell him they don't have that in stock so he tells them he is prepared to wait.
They find some out of date ones - but he insists they must be two years old. They postpone his execution until his last meal is ready.
He greedily scoffs down every last drop. On the morning of his execution he has explosive diarrhoea. The doctors say his execution must be postponed until his health improves.
The next day he is fully recovered so they reschedule his execution and ask him what he wants for his least meal this time.
He says "Same as last time!"
The morning of his execution he is told he can have any thing he likes. He is still waiting for it when the Chaplin comes in and says "Are you Ready my Son" the man replies I have not had had my Breakfast yet. The Chaplin says he will go and see about it. Then the Guards who have spent the last few weeks with him come in the Cell,shake his hand and say that he has been a model prisoner. He tells them he has not had his Breakfast yet so the they will tell the Govenor. Finally in comes the Executioner Pierpoint and says "Come on Lad, time to go the Prisoner protests saying "Do you know that i have not had my Breakfast" to which the Hangman says "My job here is to make sure you don't get your dinner"
...............................................................................................................................................................................
Same scene as above but as the two of them cross the yard to the scaffold in the pouring rain the Prisoner says "I am getting soaking wet here, the might at least have given me a raincoat" The Executioner says "Stop complaining I have to walk back across the Yard"
...............................................................................................
The condemned man is stood on the Scaffold and the Governor asks "Any last requests ?" The prisoner says Could you put the rope around my waist"
...............................................................................................................................................................................
Same scene as above but as the two of them cross the yard to the scaffold in the pouring rain the Prisoner says "I am getting soaking wet here, the might at least have given me a raincoat" The Executioner says "Stop complaining I have to walk back across the Yard"
...............................................................................................
The condemned man is stood on the Scaffold and the Governor asks "Any last requests ?" The prisoner says Could you put the rope around my waist"
A fellow named Dennis is at the movies, seeing a new film that's the talk of the town. It's a few weeks into the film's run, so it's just him and a couple other people in the theater, as well as a man who is sitting next to a large dog. He figures this is a service animal or something, and pays it no mind.
But as the lights dim and the movie starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration.
At this point Dennis is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself.
When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theater, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature.
"Sir" says Dennis "Sir, please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behavior simply unbelievable!"
"Frankly, so do I" says the man. "He hated the book!"
But as the lights dim and the movie starts, his attention goes to the dog more and more. A fascinating thing happens: The dog appears to understand the film perfectly. Its tongue hangs out in a wide doggy smile when a character tells a funny joke. It growls apprehensively when the villain shows up. At particularly sad moments, it lets out a little sad howl. At the end, when the hero triumphs it gives a few happy barks of celebration.
At this point Dennis is much more interested in this strangely singular dog than in the film itself.
When the credits roll and the lights come up and everyone is sort of shuffling out of the theater, he decides he simply must talk to the owner of this impressive creature.
"Sir" says Dennis "Sir, please pardon the intrusion. I just wanted to come over and say that I find your dog's behavior simply unbelievable!"
"Frankly, so do I" says the man. "He hated the book!"
A little town in the middle of nowhere had a sensational birth rate and scientists decided to visit the place to find out the cause. So, the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, a train comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up".
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, a train comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up".
Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says:
"OLD TIMERS BAR - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS".
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says "That'll be 10 cents each, please". They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please". They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally, one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor and always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same".
"Wow!! That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, them... they're pensioners. They're waiting for happy hour!"
"OLD TIMERS BAR - ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS".
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says "That'll be 10 cents each, please". They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please". They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally, one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor and always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same".
"Wow!! That's quite a story" says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, them... they're pensioners. They're waiting for happy hour!"
Another one to tickle the taste buds
.jpg)
The Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!
------------------------------------------------
My wife last night whispered
In my ear for to tell her some dirty words.
I said the dishes the
Floors the cabinets etc.
----------------------------------------
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!
------------------------------------------------
My wife last night whispered
In my ear for to tell her some dirty words.
I said the dishes the
Floors the cabinets etc.
----------------------------------------
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today! You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession".
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop" says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen" said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop" says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen" said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Subject: Very Politically Incorrect
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Anyone got an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I
know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no
for an answer'.
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I
know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no
for an answer'.
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
.jpg)
Originally Posted by Bob (Tuffy ) Draper
Love it Bob (but then I would !!!).
Here is another for you to smile at Rosemary
.jpg)
Originally Posted by Bob (Tuffy ) Draper
Thanks Bob, I'm grinning from ear to ear !!
Isn't that photo on the left showing where we are supposed to have our brains?
Originally Posted by Terry Carey
That's where all men think their brains are Terry !!
Found another funny one this morning
.jpg)
Originally Posted by Bob (Tuffy ) Draper
Thanks again, Bob. Keep 'em coming!!
ILLEGAL POEM
By Illegal Immigrants in usa
I cross river,
Poor and broke,
Take bus,
See employment folk.
Nice man
Treat me good in there,
Say I need
Go see Welfare.
Welfare say,
'You come no more,
We send cash
Right to your door.
Welfare checks,
They make you wealthy,
Medicaid
It keep you healthy!
By and by,
Got plenty money,
Thanks to you; TAXPAYER dummy.
Write to friends
In motherland,
Tell them
"come, fast as you can"
They come in buses
And Chevy trucks,
I buy big house
With welfare bucks.
They come here,
We live together,
More welfare checks,
It gets even better!
Fourteen families,
They moving in,
But neighbor's patience
Wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
Moves away
..
I buy his house,
And then I say,
"Find more aliens
For house to rent."
In my yard
I pitch a tent.
Send for family
They just trash,
But they, too,
Draw welfare cash!
Everything is
Very good,
Soon we own
Whole neighborhood.
We have hobby
We call it breeding,
Welfare pay
For baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
TAXPAYER crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
Running here.
We think America
Darn good place!
Too darn good
For white man race
If they no like us,
They can go,
Got lots of room
In Mexico.
EVERY TAXPAYER KNOWS
By Illegal Immigrants in usa
I cross river,
Poor and broke,
Take bus,
See employment folk.
Nice man
Treat me good in there,
Say I need
Go see Welfare.
Welfare say,
'You come no more,
We send cash
Right to your door.
Welfare checks,
They make you wealthy,
Medicaid
It keep you healthy!
By and by,
Got plenty money,
Thanks to you; TAXPAYER dummy.
Write to friends
In motherland,
Tell them
"come, fast as you can"
They come in buses
And Chevy trucks,
I buy big house
With welfare bucks.
They come here,
We live together,
More welfare checks,
It gets even better!
Fourteen families,
They moving in,
But neighbor's patience
Wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
Moves away
..
I buy his house,
And then I say,
"Find more aliens
For house to rent."
In my yard
I pitch a tent.
Send for family
They just trash,
But they, too,
Draw welfare cash!
Everything is
Very good,
Soon we own
Whole neighborhood.
We have hobby
We call it breeding,
Welfare pay
For baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
TAXPAYER crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
Running here.
We think America
Darn good place!
Too darn good
For white man race
If they no like us,
They can go,
Got lots of room
In Mexico.
EVERY TAXPAYER KNOWS
I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy five...............who cares?
****************
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When you're over seventy five.............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy five..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're over seventy five...............who cares?
*****************
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.
When you're over seventy five...............who cares?
*******************
I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're over seventy five..............who cares?
********************
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy five...............who cares?
****************
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When you're over seventy five.............who cares?
***********
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy five..............who cares?
**********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you're over seventy five...............who cares?
*****************
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.
When you're over seventy five...............who cares?
*******************
I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're over seventy five..............who cares?
********************
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line
F is for farting and fluid retention,
G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, I think that’s about sex
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me my tablets and I'll be good as new
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless, just counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y’s another year I’ve just left behind,
Z is for zest I still have......in my mind!
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line
F is for farting and fluid retention,
G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, I think that’s about sex
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me my tablets and I'll be good as new
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless, just counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y’s another year I’ve just left behind,
Z is for zest I still have......in my mind!
Originally Posted by Pamela Forbes
Thank you Pamela, just brilliant !! 'G' is also for GPs who haven't a clue, I should know, I've met one or two !!!!!!!!!
The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Brexiters had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that May’s proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthesiologists thought it was all a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Parliament.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Brexiters had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that May’s proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anaesthesiologists thought it was all a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Parliament.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with
my time, as if sitting around the pool, and drinking beer isn’t a good thing. Talking about my
"doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite
topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of
me.
" She said, and suggested that I go down to the
Senior Center and hang out with the fellas."
So, I did, and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said. "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes, it can be fun.
my time, as if sitting around the pool, and drinking beer isn’t a good thing. Talking about my
"doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite
topic of conversation. She is "only thinking of
me.
" She said, and suggested that I go down to the
Senior Center and hang out with the fellas."
So, I did, and when I got home, I decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said. "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes, it can be fun.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
.png)
Farmer Emmet lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was extreme and so fast that his chickens and ducks were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Emmet phoned the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these traffic, people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens and ducks.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the Sheriff Jules.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy cars!” So the next day he had the workers go out and put up a sign that said: ‘Slow – School Crossing’.
A few days later Farmer Emmet called the Sheriff Jules again and said, “You’ve got to do something about these damn drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the Sheriff sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: ‘Slow- Children At Play’.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Emmet phoned and phoned and phoned every day for a month. In the end, he asked the Sheriff, “Your signs are not working. Can I put up my own sign?” The Sheriff Jules told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Emmet do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
Jules got no more calls from Emmet.A month later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Emmet a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers…” So Sheriff Jules drove out to Farmer Emmet’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
‘Nudist Camp’
‘Go slowly and watch out for the chicks’
So one day Emmet phoned the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these traffic, people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens and ducks.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the Sheriff Jules.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy cars!” So the next day he had the workers go out and put up a sign that said: ‘Slow – School Crossing’.
A few days later Farmer Emmet called the Sheriff Jules again and said, “You’ve got to do something about these damn drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the Sheriff sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: ‘Slow- Children At Play’.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Emmet phoned and phoned and phoned every day for a month. In the end, he asked the Sheriff, “Your signs are not working. Can I put up my own sign?” The Sheriff Jules told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Emmet do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
Jules got no more calls from Emmet.A month later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Emmet a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers…” So Sheriff Jules drove out to Farmer Emmet’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
‘Nudist Camp’
‘Go slowly and watch out for the chicks’
Aphorism: A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation. Enjoy!1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - - - for example, it could be the right number. (Think about this one)!!
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.
19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Live, Laugh, and love!
Life is too short to be anything... but happy.Learn to let go of what you can't change.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.
The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.
Enjoy Life - - - It has an Expiration Date.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - - - for example, it could be the right number. (Think about this one)!!
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.
19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Live, Laugh, and love!
Life is too short to be anything... but happy.Learn to let go of what you can't change.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is.
The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.
Enjoy Life - - - It has an Expiration Date.
Originally Posted by Scouse
Love this Tommy, all so very true, thanks again, Kim.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
.jpg?max-width=34&width-to-height-ratio=1&quality=90)
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I”?
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I”?
AFTER 10 YEARS A WIFE STARTED TO THINK THAT THEIR CHILD LOOKED KINDA STRANGE
.SO SHE DID A DNA TEST AND FOUND THEIR CHILD WAS NOT THEIRS.
SHE TOLD HER HUSBAND WHAT SHE HAD FOUND OUT
. THE HUSBAND REPLIED,
YOU DON'T REMEMBER DO YOU ??.
WHEN WE WERE LEAVING THE HOSPITAL THE BABY POOPED
AND YOU TOLD ME TO CHANGE HIM
SO I WENT BACK INSIDE GOT A CLEAN ONE
AND LEFT THE DIRTY ONE THERE.
THE WIFE FAINTED.
.SO SHE DID A DNA TEST AND FOUND THEIR CHILD WAS NOT THEIRS.
SHE TOLD HER HUSBAND WHAT SHE HAD FOUND OUT
. THE HUSBAND REPLIED,
YOU DON'T REMEMBER DO YOU ??.
WHEN WE WERE LEAVING THE HOSPITAL THE BABY POOPED
AND YOU TOLD ME TO CHANGE HIM
SO I WENT BACK INSIDE GOT A CLEAN ONE
AND LEFT THE DIRTY ONE THERE.
THE WIFE FAINTED.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation
departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A man walked into a bar, carrying a large bag.
He put the bag on a table , opened it, and took out a tiny piano.
He then took out a small stool and put it in the table by the piano.
Next he reached in and lifted out a little man, no bigger than his hand, and sat him on the piano stool.
Immediately the little man started playing the piano, fantastic music ranging from Chopin to Gershwin. He was brilliant.
The landlord asked the man, "Where on earth did you find him ? He's brilliant !
"Well," replied the man, "It's a strange story. I dug up and old jar in my garden, and when I started to clean it off, a Genie appeared
and said, "You have released me from the jar after 2,000 years, and for that I will grant any wish you make".
"He must have had hearing problems. I swear on oath that I didn't ask for a six inch pianist!"
He put the bag on a table , opened it, and took out a tiny piano.
He then took out a small stool and put it in the table by the piano.
Next he reached in and lifted out a little man, no bigger than his hand, and sat him on the piano stool.
Immediately the little man started playing the piano, fantastic music ranging from Chopin to Gershwin. He was brilliant.
The landlord asked the man, "Where on earth did you find him ? He's brilliant !
"Well," replied the man, "It's a strange story. I dug up and old jar in my garden, and when I started to clean it off, a Genie appeared
and said, "You have released me from the jar after 2,000 years, and for that I will grant any wish you make".
"He must have had hearing problems. I swear on oath that I didn't ask for a six inch pianist!"
.jpg)
A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
Originally Posted by Peter King
Ooooops !!
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and
says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and
says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little F A R T!"
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little F A R T!"
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the toilet ?
Because it has a silent P.
Because it has a silent P.