"Of course" he says. "What is it this time?"
The man pulls out a Duck and a biscuit tin. He places the Duck on the tin and says "Away you go Donald"
The duck starts tap dancing on the tin and, sure enough, an offer of £250 for the duck comes from the back of the pub.
He sells the Duck to a man who is a travelling Salesman.
In the early hours of the morning the barman gets a phone call. "Can you get in touch with the man who sold me the Duck and ask him how I stop the Duck from dancing?"
The barman reluctantly agrees and calls the man who sold the Duck. "The man you sold the Duck to wants to know how to stop the Duck from dancing"
"Just tell him to lift the lid off the tin and blow the candle out" he responds.
but they are allowed one last request before they are imprisoned.
The first man says "I would like a five year supply of beer", so they give him the beer.
The second man says "I would like a five year supply of whisky", and he gets the whisky.
The third man says "I would like a five year supply of cigarettes", and he gets the cigarettes.
Five years later the men are finally released. The first man comes out staggering around completely drunk,
the second man comes out and collapses, totally paralytic. The third man casually saunters out and says,
"Has anyone got a light?"
Farmer comes to the Weekly Market Auction and buys a Goose. Walking past the one and only Cinema in Town he see that the Performance is about to start. Not wishing to miss it he goes around the Corner and stuffs the Goose down his Trousers. as it is warm and dark inside the Bird soons settles down, Some time later a Young women nudges her Mother "Mam. Mam" What is it Love. "Its the Man next to us" What about him love ? "Well Mam he's got his Thingy out" His what Love ? "He's got his Thingy outside of his Trousers " Oh, take no notice Love there's lots of them dirty, funny Buggers about, and Don't worry you will see plenty more of them "I know Mam but this ones eating my Crisps"
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post.
A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle.
A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said.
"Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy, and 9 Marines.”
He took hold of the rope and pulled it back with all his might, swinging the Great Bell.
His hand slipped on the rope, and before he could avoid it, the Great Bell came across and hit him full in the face,
causing him to fall back down the steps to the floor of the Cathedral below, where he lay motionless.
One of the priests found his body and called a colleague. "Do you know who this is?" he asked.
The other priest looked for a while and said, "I'm not sure who he is, but...…….his face rings a bell!"
One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
In toilets- TOILET OUT OF ORDER USE THE FLOOR BELOW.
In Laundromat- AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES;
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT.
In Department Store- BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Notice in Health Food store.- CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
1. Be with a woman who makes you laugh.
2. Be with a woman who gives you her time.
3. Be with a woman who takes care of you.
4. Be with a woman who really loves you.
5. Make sure these four women never meet!
He shouted angrily, "I have a Colt 45 with a seven round magazine and
one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You'll need more ammunition"
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
One day she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too....
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your Wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription … Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The Rest get married and wonder what happened!
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his Sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake!
Old lady is stood at the handrail on a Cruise ship holding on to her hat. A young man walks past and says to her
"Are you aware that your dress is blowing up over your head while you hang on to your hat and that you are not wearing underwear"
She replies " Young man what can be seen down their is 75 yrs. old. I bought this hat last week"
Old boy is missing from breakfast at a Nursing Home. One of the lady guests goes to look for him and finds him really struggling to get down the stairs. She suggests that an ambulance is called but he refuses saying that he needs his breakfast. With help, he finally makes it to breakfast, but, when he attempts to return to his room he can't climb the stairs. The lady decides to call an ambulance and when he arrives at the hospital the staff undress him only to find that he has both legs stuck down one leg of his boxer shorts. 'Lack of mobility is not always due to an Illness'
A few facts to remember as you grow older:
1. Life is Sexually Transmitted.
2. Good Health is the slowest rate at which you die.
3. All men have 2 motivations - Eating and sex. So, if he has a gleam in his eye make him a sandwich.
4. All Health 'Nuts' will feel stupid one day - lying in Hospital dying of Nothing.
5. A lesson from the weather - it pays no attention to criticism.
6. In the 60's people took LSD to make the world seem 'Weird' Now, people are taking Prozac to make the World seem 'Normal'
7. Life is like a Jalapeno - What you do today may be a Burning issue somewhere else tomorrow.
I said " to scale"?
He said "nah, just to go on the coffee table
"May I help you sir?," she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?"
The man replied," Idaho.
"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
The door opens and a little boy peers out.
"Hello little boy," says the salesman, "Is your father in?"
"No," says the boy, "He went out just before my mother came in."
"Oh," replies the salesman, "So is your mother in now?"
"No," says the boy, "She went out when my brother came in."
"Well, is your brother in?" asked the salesman.
"No," replied the boy, "He went out when I came in."
"This certainly is a funny house." says the salesman.
"It's not a house," says the boy, "It's our outside toilet."
Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.
They revealed that: men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
> A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what
started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited
the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied
to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up fag and was finishing off
a centurion's helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple
in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound
– more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening,
there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey
frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.
The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong
which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one.
You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure.
She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department
where they were treated for minor burns and shock.
Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more
. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it.
You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant “I’m still in agony,” she said,
“And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now.
Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours
for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.
My Kev knows that.. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason,
but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him
what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers....“ he told us
, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days
, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart.
Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future..
and there aren't enough parachutes for all of them.
Besides the pilot, the passengers are a bishop, a scientist and a boy scout.
Before the passengers can take in the bad news, the pilot has grabbed one of the parachutes and jumped out.
The bishop, the scientist and the boy scout then look at each other.
"OK," says the scientist, "I'm widely regarded as the most intelligent man in Britain, and if I don't survive,
it will be a terrible loss for science and for mankind. With that. he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The bishop and the boy scout look at each other.
"Well, my son," says the bishop, "You have all of your life ahead of you. The good book tells us to lay down
our lives for others and so you must take the final parachute."
"Thank you, your grace," says the boy scout, "but we've still got a parachute each.
The most intelligent man in Britain just jumped out of the plane with my rucksack."
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!”
The cowboy lifted the hat off his eyes and said " That 'aint gonna happen friend because somebody will invent the game of 'Cowboys and Muslims' "
Opposite the other one is also dressed in Black but is wearing a beard and a Black Hat. he is reading a Book similar to a Bible.
On the journey each time the Train comes out of a Tunnel the Priest Blesses himself and the other man does the same. As the come to the end of the line and stand up to leave the Catholic Priest says "Goodby, maybe we will travel together again sometime. I must Admit you had me fooled there into thinkiing you were Not a Roman Catholic with your Beard and Black Hat but giving yourself the sign of the Cross gave it a way" What Do You Mean says the Man in Black?
"Well Father, Son And The Holy Ghost." is the sign we make Coming out of the Darkness"
The Little man says I am a Rabbi "Coming out of the Tunnel it was to check Spectacles, Testicles, Watch And Wallet."
"My father was a soldier in the First World War, and he was a Hero.
He single handedly destroyed the entire German lines of communication."
"What did he do?" asks the friend.
"He ate their pigeon." says the man.
The dealer studies them and says, "Sir, you are the owner of a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt."
"Fantastic!" says the man, "How much are they worth?"
"Absolutely nothing," says the dealer, "Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made crap violins."
Should you have to defuse a Bomb and there are Two Wires to choose from. Don't worry you will always Cut the correct one. Why is it that the Bomb Maker always puts a ticking time clock on it for you to see.
It does not matter if you are greatly Outnumbered in a Martial Arts Fight. Your Enemy will all patiently wait to atack you one by one.
Honest and Hardworking Policemen always get Shot a Day or two before Retirement.
During an Investigation it is always necessary for Police Officers I/c visit a Strip Club at least Once.
All beds have L Shaped Covers that reach up to the Armpits of the Women but only to the Waist of the Man lying beside her.
The local vicar sees the boy struggling to lead the cow through the village. "Are you alright ?" asks the vicar.
"Yes, vicar," says the little boy, "I'm taking the cow to the bull."
"Oh dear," says the vicar, concerned that the child was too small to handle such a large beast, "Couldn't your father do it ? If not, I'd be happy to do it."
"Not really, vicar," says the little boy, "It has to be the bull."
"Are you alright, sir?" asks one man.
"Oh yah," says the old German, " I zeemed to just zuffer a dizzy zpell and zo I just vell over."
"Oh dear," says the man, "Have you got vertigo?"
"Nein," says the old German, "I only live just around zer corner!"
One says to the other, "I have to go now, I'll see you on Friday."
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, and wiping the tears from his eyes and says, ....... "Your house."
“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.
“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”
TWO COWS ....
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and
execute the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
part of a Democracy....
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to
buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment,
which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5
times the cost of doing it.
They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety.
You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid
of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos,
which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool
from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved)
trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to
mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training
course you must take to get your license to milk the cows.
You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you f**k all for it, and then they
sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you.
Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British
Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows
know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention
of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries
don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they.
You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank'
and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny
and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home
. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health
improves and you live to be a hundred.