"Of course" he says. "What is it this time?"
The man pulls out a Duck and a biscuit tin. He places the Duck on the tin and says "Away you go Donald"
The duck starts tap dancing on the tin and, sure enough, an offer of £250 for the duck comes from the back of the pub.
He sells the Duck to a man who is a travelling Salesman.
In the early hours of the morning the barman gets a phone call. "Can you get in touch with the man who sold me the Duck and ask him how I stop the Duck from dancing?"
The barman reluctantly agrees and calls the man who sold the Duck. "The man you sold the Duck to wants to know how to stop the Duck from dancing"
"Just tell him to lift the lid off the tin and blow the candle out" he responds.
but they are allowed one last request before they are imprisoned.
The first man says "I would like a five year supply of beer", so they give him the beer.
The second man says "I would like a five year supply of whisky", and he gets the whisky.
The third man says "I would like a five year supply of cigarettes", and he gets the cigarettes.
Five years later the men are finally released. The first man comes out staggering around completely drunk,
the second man comes out and collapses, totally paralytic. The third man casually saunters out and says,
"Has anyone got a light?"
Farmer comes to the Weekly Market Auction and buys a Goose. Walking past the one and only Cinema in Town he see that the Performance is about to start. Not wishing to miss it he goes around the Corner and stuffs the Goose down his Trousers. as it is warm and dark inside the Bird soons settles down, Some time later a Young women nudges her Mother "Mam. Mam" What is it Love. "Its the Man next to us" What about him love ? "Well Mam he's got his Thingy out" His what Love ? "He's got his Thingy outside of his Trousers " Oh, take no notice Love there's lots of them dirty, funny Buggers about, and Don't worry you will see plenty more of them "I know Mam but this ones eating my Crisps"
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
A few days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied, 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”
The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post.
A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle.
A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said.
"Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy, and 9 Marines.”
He took hold of the rope and pulled it back with all his might, swinging the Great Bell.
His hand slipped on the rope, and before he could avoid it, the Great Bell came across and hit him full in the face,
causing him to fall back down the steps to the floor of the Cathedral below, where he lay motionless.
One of the priests found his body and called a colleague. "Do you know who this is?" he asked.
The other priest looked for a while and said, "I'm not sure who he is, but...…….his face rings a bell!"
One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
In toilets- TOILET OUT OF ORDER USE THE FLOOR BELOW.
In Laundromat- AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES;
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT.
In Department Store- BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Notice in Health Food store.- CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
1. Be with a woman who makes you laugh.
2. Be with a woman who gives you her time.
3. Be with a woman who takes care of you.
4. Be with a woman who really loves you.
5. Make sure these four women never meet!
He shouted angrily, "I have a Colt 45 with a seven round magazine and
one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You'll need more ammunition"
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
One day she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too....
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"