After a travel to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife Cara put some coffee in front of him.
“Cara,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” Cara said, her voice smelling scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” Terrence said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” Cara answered. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said Terrence.
Cara answered; “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.]
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen
staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly,
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Oscar went to the UK for the first time.
He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop.
In 6 months he did good business.
He sends an email to his wife in New York saying:
Please pack up & come to UK.
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 pairs of knickers.
I made £50,000.
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no knickers, I made £100,00
On board a warship a bug had hit the stewards' mess, and spare stokers had been drafted into the wardroom.
A gnarled three-badge stoker with broken nose and cauliflower ears approached the Commander at lunch with a bowl.
"Your soup, sir, will there be anything else ?"
"Yes please", replied the Commander, "I would like a roll !"
The old stoker muttered to himself and fumbled in his back trouser pocket.
He then plonked down a manky old baccy pouch and a pack of tickler papers'
"There you are, sir, help yourself, but I'm afraid it's mostly dust !"
"Eee, I've come to see thee because I'm worried about me cat."
"Oh aye," says the Vet, "Is it a tom?"
"Nay," says the Yorkshire man. "It's 'ere in this basket."
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round.
He raised his head and quietly said to them, "Bring me my trusty bow and an arrow true, that I may loose a final shaft,
and wherever that shaft may find its rest, bury this poor body there."
Then commending his soul to the Almighty, he lets fly his final arrow, sinks back on his pillow and draws his last breath.
And so it happened, three days later, true to Robin's last request, they buried him on top of the wardrobe.
Working Boots. Just like New. Various Sizes Available.."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk
and if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said , "I want three flat tires,
a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
'No,'the cook said. 'Three flat tires... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights... is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans
and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
(I love this one...! )
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
Your boys were a bit fortunate to get a resullt in Rome last night. Their most dangerous player was Milner and if Southgate includes him in the England Squad for the World Cup we will not get past the first round.
I don'think Ronaldo, Gareth Bale and Co, will be losing much sleep over the Final in Kiev if Liverpool play like that again.
"Momma he keeps saying words like " Iron, Cook,Iron, Wash." Her Mother says "Stay right there Darling, i will pick you up in 20 minutes"
Case 1.-A lady friend of mine was sold a pair of
fashion shoes in a well known shop and within
a week one of the heels broke. She took it back
to the shop but the manager refused to replace
or refund her money.
She announced for all the shop to hear "I'm staying
here till I get a refund" . After an hour the manager
gave here her money back. Problem solved.
I sent away for a pair of walking boots.I received the
boots but noticed they were both left footed.
I sent them back and demanded my "rights"
The policeman asked the driver if he'd been drinking.
"Yesh I have, occifer." says the driver, "I have just been to the pub where I had a little drinky or three.
then I went to a bar and had a few more little drinkies, then I went to a club and had a few more drinkies
and then I got in my car and drove here drinking from a bottle of whisky which is in my glove compartment."
"Sir." says the policeman, "I would like you to step out of your car and take a breathalyzer test."
"Washa'matter," says the driver, looking indignant, "Don't you believe me?"
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to ma...ke up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies, "Scouse eggs."
The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup & a SWAT team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle
After all the checks turned out negative the Officer asked "If you had nothing to hide and not had a drink why did you not stop when you must have known that it was a Patrol car behind you, tring to makeyou pull over. The Man replies "Well Officer you see my Wife ran away with another Police man and when i saw you in my rear view mirror i thought it just might be him trying to Bring her Back
"Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in your fridge?" I asked him.
"That's in case anyone wants black coffee." he replied.
What do you call a man with three planks on his head ?.......Edward Woodward.
What do you call a man with four planks on his head ?.........I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.
The best thing about the good old days was that we were not old and also not good
A PIg stood in front of an electric three pin plug socket and said "Oh no who put you into that wall "
some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards
and my willpower is strong. Just as strong as
THE INCREDIBLY STRONG
now available in
I was talking aout him to Kim and how he never learns his lesson with Roger Moore. In "For Your Eyes Only" he was an Olympic Ski Champion, he could ride a motorbike in icy conditions and yet could not keep out of trouble with James Bond.
(Down the Pub people keep mistaking him for me as we are so much alike, Sadly i can't put pictures on here)