So she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped.
You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.
Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.
I saw a girl texting and driving earlier today and it really
pissed me off so I rolled my window down
and threw my beer at her.
Colleen has announced that from now on she will be following his every move, A case of "The Wag Tailing the Dog"
Wayne is in Court this Morning and he is hoping there are some Grannies on the Jury ......................................................................................................................................................
Wayne announced he has quit International football to concentrate on his Club career. Peter Stringfellow and most other gambling clubs have offered him Life Membership.
Just hope this does not involve doing any work in Old Ladies gardens.
. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
. Life is sexually transmitted.
. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to ?
. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire ?
. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangley things
and drink whatever comes out ?'
. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him ?
. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests ?
. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables
then what is baby oil made from ?
. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup ?
. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster ?
. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle ?
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three stages also. In 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,”‘ he speaks uneasily from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse responds, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and foot.”
He tries to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look normal.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you so much. That was great. Now listen very, very closely:
Are – my – test – results – back?”
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The questionnaire was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina.
The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.”
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement.
She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
How about this one?.....
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”
Molecule 1: I just lost an electron.
Molecule 2: Are you sure?
Molecule 1: I’m positive.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies
became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
"We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied,
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one
for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.
" She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out
that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Sceptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies,
"She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire.
" The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground."
The crocodile then bites his legs off.??
A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."
The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book."
The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book.
The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again,
very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book
. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening.
He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond.
In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."??
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel.
By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said,
"Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.
Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi.
The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel.
He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven
. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
" So God asks the first guy his story. "I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act.
Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn't open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn't in sight.
I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him.
In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died."
God replies, "Wow, that's pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass."
The second guy says, "God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine.
After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes.
I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!"
God replies, "Wow, that's very cruel, being crushed to death.
" The third man says, "I died naked in a fridge."
One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work
"Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.
He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey"
as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy
when re-painting the house..
The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.
At the follow-up meeting the next week we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes
recounted the literary impact of the novel.
Here are their experiences:
Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
was the only place for a good shed.
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her down to The Royal Oak
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Wellie.
Tom Entwhistle, 73
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
Jack Farthing, 78
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
John Hardcastle, 72
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend.
Colin Horrocks, 65
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”
Malcolm Riddock, 75
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
Allen Cardly, 74
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the shop receipt
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
Nicholas Benchley, 53
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
Toby Williams, 60
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.??
When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so
he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet.
"Damn it ", he says to himself."I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them.
I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out"
So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat.
Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand.
Here she says "you must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil"????
The bad news is that pretty soon your teeth will be floating in it.
Harry has invented a bra for middle-aged women.
He calls it "the sheep dog" because it rounds them up and
points them in the right direction
The thing about a middle aged woman is that when you go for a mammogram , you realise it's the only time someone's ever going to ask you to appear topless in a film.
An old man and an old woman are talking in an old folks home.
The man says " I'm so old I forget how old I am" " I'll tell you how old you are says the the old woman".
"Take off your clothes and bend over". The man does so and the woman says "You'r seventy four". the man is astonished.
"How can you tell?" he asks.
The woman replies ,"you told me yesterday.
Granddad had a hip replacement, but the hospital must have put in a cheap one. The kids love it though-every time they press his head down he takes a penalty
Granny doing the hokey-cokey
What's pink ,wrinkly and hangs out your trousers?
?Between the ages of 15 and 20 is like China.Developing
fast with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 and 21 a woman is like Africa,
She's half discovered ,half wild and naturally beautiful.
Between the ages of 21 and 30 a woman is like America .Completely discovered ,very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 40, she's like India.
Very hot , relaxed and convinced of it's own beauty.
Between the ages of 40 and 50 she's like Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60 she's like Canada.
Very wide,quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70 a woman is like Mongolia.
With a glorious and all-conquering past but alas no future.
After 70 , they become Albania.
Everybody knows where it is but no one wants to go there.
Men are like bank accounts-without a lot of money,
they don't generate much interest.
Men are like high heels-they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like lawnmowers-hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Men are like mascara -they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like mini-skirts- if your not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men's brains are like the prison system- not enough cells.
Men are like linoleum- lay them right once and you can walk over them for the next 20 years.
Last week in the basement of a London Gay Club a mans body was found hanging. he is described as Male in his 30s wearing Stiletto shoes, suspender belt, open crotch knickers, a nipple bra, blond wig and bright red lipstick, and wearing a "Vote For Jeremy Corbyn T. Shirt plus a Cucumber inserted in his rectum.
Senior Officers have decided to remove the T.Shirt to save his Family acute embarrassment before coming to identify the body.
( I pinched a bit from the Tommy Fleming Gag Book,)
Though i have submitted quite a few jokes on the "Scouse Humour " forum the majority are from Tommy Fleming and if you care to go back to the first page and work your way through them there are a large amount of his gags which will keep you amused for quite some time.
Regards pal, stay well. J.D.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?
"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
Johnny what is your problem?
He answered, “I’m too smart for the second grade, boring here,my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”
The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to him.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he give wrong answer to one question, he would go back to the second grade and he would stop make problem.
The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: “What is 4 x 3?”
Principal: “5 x 6?”
So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, “I do not see a reason why Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed.
Teacher: “What does a sheep have four of that I only have two of?”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?” The principal hold his breath but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered.
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower?
A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it
around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve
. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
Dolores heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
Dolores went nuts and told her son Lucas, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for Three hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later,Lucas comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and Dolores heard her son say, “All passengers who are step on to land from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
Dolores hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to entrench all of your hand luggage under your seat.Please do not forget, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, Lucas added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the three hours delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the 60 bucks she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”
So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this guy on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde responded, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”
As a true unbias red I regret the following statement
Liverpool have just sacked their manager and he is returning home with his family.
So don't forget this weekend the KLOPPS go back
Everything checks out fine.
Breanna comes closer to the doctor and says in a low voice, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for ten years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiles and says, “Have you tried to give him Cialis or Viagra?”
Breanna frowns. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimes.
“Well,I see…” The doctor continues, “I have an idea about it. Crush the pill into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
Old lady Breanna is delighted.
She leaves from the doctor’s clinic quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returns.
She frowns and the doctor asks to her what is wrong.
She shakes her head.
“How did it go?” The doctor asks.
“Awful, doctor, awful.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” Breanna says, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in twenty years.”
“Then what is the problem, Breanna?”
“Well,” she says. “I can’t ever show my face in Starbucks again.”
He put this this on some time ago but i think one of his funniest is worth repeating.
" A man is walking past the local Mental Hospital and he hears the sound of many feet tramping along plus the sound of voices chanting " 13. 13. 13".
Intrigued by this he looked for some place to look through, finally finding a hole in the wall he waited until the voices got louder and then put his eye to the hole. Immediately something sharp was poked into his eye and the voices chanted "14. 14.14."