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SCOUSE HUMOUR

{{forumThread.upVotes}} Created by Scouse 22 August 2010 20:31 401270 views Link  
Scouse 22 August 2010 20:31
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Originally Posted by
SCOUSE HUMOUR

A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. Hes staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar . He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying Ask me anything The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him. Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything. says the barman. What do you mean he knows everything? asks the scouser. Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything Yeah right says the scouser. If you dont believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and hell know the answer Alright says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man. Where am I from ? Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England says the Red Indian. And he was right. Alright says the scouser, that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? Liverpool says the memory man quick as a flash. Yes and who did they play? Leeds United again without blinking And the score? 2-1 says the memory man without hesitation. Pretty good,but I bet you dont know who scored the winning goal? Ian St John says the Indian in an instant. Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just cant get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect . He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man. He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia. The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner.. How. The memory man squints at the scouser. Flying header in the six yard box.
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Scouse 22 August 2010 20:35
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Originally Posted by
CHIVE TALKING

Walked past the fridge before and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin.. I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said " Im staying a chive, stayinin a chive, ah, ah, ah staying a chive, ah ah ah stayin a chiiiiivv.e
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Scouse 22 August 2010 20:37
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Originally Posted by
A WOMANS PLACE

As an aircraft is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically & shouts,"If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes & asks," Is there someone on the plane who can make me eel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt & says, "Here, iron this."
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Scouse 22 August 2010 20:39
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Originally Posted by
POLICE REACTIONS

One night, an 84 years old man was just getting into bed when he heard a loud noise downstairs,suspecting that he was being burgled,and feeling to frail to go downstairs and have a confrontation, he phoned 999 asked for the police "I think I am being burgled he cried send somone as fast as you can, he,s still in the house" "I,m sorry sir we have no available units ,all of our officers are dealiing with other incidents,can you call again in 10 minutes"!!!!!! The old man waited for 10 minutes and rang 999 again "I,m sorry sir we still have no units available" By this time the old man was very scared and thought that the burgler might be brazen enough to come upstairs, so he again rang 999,"don,t bother sending anyone, I have found my sons old shotgun in the wardrobe and I am going downstairs to shoot the burgler" The phone fell suddenly silent and within 10 minutes there were 5 rapid response units followed shortly afterwards by 5 more armed response vehicles 10 patrol cars 2 RUC type armoured cars,15 dog handlers,2 trained negotiators a police video van and the local police helicopter was hovering over the roof with it,s spotlight shining on the old mans front door!!! "Come out with your hands up" cried a megaphone and after about 2 minutes the front door opened slowly and out stepped the old man with his hands held high, "It,s OK" shouted the old man," I disturbed the burgler and he fled out the back window" "WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT HIM" said the negotiator!!!!!!!!! "YES" said the old man " AND I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO ONE AVAILABLE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Scouse 24 August 2010 23:06
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Originally Posted by
A professor at The University of Cork was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. " Well, thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands." Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"3 students raise their hands." Thats fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Paddy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big Irishman from Limerick got up with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Paddy, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost?" Paddyreplied, "Shiiiit! from way back der oi I tought you said a goat :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Scouse 24 August 2010 23:10
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Originally Posted by
dogs

Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vets when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "Im a pisser. I piss on everything ... The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon itll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "Im a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it when Im inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Gonna cut my nuts off too," the dejected yellow lab said."They reckon it`ll calm me down as well" The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "Im a humper," the black lab said. "Ill hump anything. Ill hump the cat, a pillow, the table, post-boxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldnt help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,its nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, Im having me nails clipped."
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Scouse 24 August 2010 23:15
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Originally Posted by
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guys an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us Be strong, dear. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasnt kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks youre cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.You be strong, dear. I love you, too."
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Scouse 24 August 2010 23:21
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Originally Posted by
newly married couple getting ready for bed. As she undresses she says Ive got something to confess, before we met I was a hooker,are you sure your ok with that? He replys Of course darling that was before we met, and to be honest, it turns me on a little, tell me more. Well she answered my name was Eric, and I played for St Helens
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Silver Surfer 25 August 2010 00:06
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Originally Posted by
Or like the bloke visiting the docks who sees a docker writhing in pain on the floor. He asks whats wrong with him. Another docker says "He wants to go the toilet". "So why doesnt he go" asks the stranger. "What? On his lunch break?" comes the reply.
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Scouse 25 August 2010 18:03
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Originally Posted by
the camel

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". Thats why we have the Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I cant say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When hes done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".
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Scouse 25 August 2010 18:11
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Originally Posted by
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "Thats terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" :lol:
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Scouse 25 August 2010 22:23
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Originally Posted by
Bins

A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasnt been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. Theres no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Wheres ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Wheres your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you! says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "Youre misunderstanding me. Wheres your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collectors ear. ------- ------- ------- "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wifes sista!"
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Scouse 26 August 2010 13:37
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Originally Posted by
Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasnt ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what were selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious scouser walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad scouse accent asked "Worra yers sellin ere?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "Were selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the scouser said, "Yer doing well den, Yers`ve only two left!" The moral for Southerners - Dont mess with SCOUSERS!!!
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Scouse 26 August 2010 16:30
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Originally Posted by
Lacquer

Grandad is sitting in the garden, rambling on with his grandson, as Grandads do. The young un says, "Grandad, see that worm all limp and wriggly> I bet you five pounds I can stick it back down its hole" "Nah, " says Grandad. "youll never do that." The little lad runs indoors and comes back with a can of hair lacquer. He sprays it liberally on the worm, and once the creature is stiff, he pushes it firmly down into its hole. Grandad pays up, and looking thoughtful, takes the lacquer back into the house. He returns half an hour later, and gives the boy five pounds. "No Grandad" cries the boy. "Thats OK. You already paid me" "I know son," says the old man. "Thats off your grandma."
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Scouse 26 August 2010 17:03
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Originally Posted by
A Red or a Blue

Merseyside Police have today confirmed that 2 more local Premier League footballers have once again had their homes burgled on the same night. Steven Gerrard lost a Champions League winner and runners up medal,a premier league runners up medal,1 uefa cup medal,2 charity shield winners medals,1 euro super cup,2 F.ACup and 2 League Cup winners medals and a PFA player of the years award. Tim Cahill has lost a kettle and a toaster. Have a guess which I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Scouse 27 August 2010 15:47
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Originally Posted by
1981

Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. The Pope Died Interesting Year 2005 1. Prince Charles married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. The Pope Died Lesson Learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
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Scouse 27 August 2010 15:57
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Originally Posted by
The Inspection

An Army General carries out a moral visit to a Military Hospital. He is presented to the first squadie and enquires what is the problem? The squadie replies ' Syphilis Sir' The General is disgusted as this is clearly a self-inflicted condition; he prepares himself to give this soldier a severe bollocking but is interrupted by the Senior Medical Officer who informs him the treatment is a wire brush and Dettol. The squadie seeing The General is not happy redeems himself by saying 'My ambition is to return to my unit as quickly as possible' The General moves on to the next patient ' What are you in for soldier he enquires' ' Piles Sir' The General responds ' You have my sympathy I've suffered from the affliction myself and how do they plan on treating you' ' Wire brush and Dettol' comes the reply 'Ambition' 'To return to my unit Sir' The General grimaces and moves on to the next bed 'Now soldier what are you in for ?' The muffled response is ' Gum disease Sir' The General feeling sorry for the injured party enquires ' Please tell me they don't expect you to use wire brush and Dettol also' ' Afraid so' says the dejected serviceman ' What is your ambition' enquires The General 'TO GET TO THE WIRE BRUSH AND DETTOL BEFORE THEM TWO'
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Scouse 27 August 2010 21:30
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Originally Posted by
The Beach

Paddy decides to treat himself to a decent holiday at a beach resort. After being there a couple of days and having no luck with the bikini clad beauties, he goes to have a word with the life guard at the beach who is always surrounded by dollies. " Paddy" says the lifeguard, " A bit of advice, loose the big baggy shorts, buy a pair of speedos - two sizes too small and drop a spud inside em, thatll do the trick". Paddy says thanks and wanders off to carry out the instructions. A few days later he meets the lifeguard at the beach and moans to him that his advice failed, the lifeguard looks Paddy over and replies " Paddy , youre supposed to put the spud down the FRONT ".
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Silver Surfer 27 August 2010 22:40
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Originally Posted by
The navvies building the passenger access tunnel to Moorfields station were on piecework.... which is why the tunnel is about 20ft. too long, and they had to build the ticket office at first-floor level.
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Scouse 29 August 2010 20:49
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Originally Posted by
terrible drink

Mother Superior makes an announcement to the rest of the nuns. we now have a case of chlamydia in the convent. An old nun at the back shouts, well I hope its better than that case of chardonnay we had last week.
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Scouse 29 August 2010 21:07
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Originally Posted by
Lest we forget

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didnt have to show it." "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained; "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldnt find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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Silver Surfer 29 August 2010 23:01
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Originally Posted by
Gerard Houllier: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player" Sir Alex Ferguson: "Whys that?" Gerard Houllier: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!" Q: Why will Liverpool never win the League? A: They keep scoring Owen goals Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Liverpudlian? A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian. Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Scowser fan? A: A battery has a positive side.
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Scouse 2 September 2010 17:50
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Originally Posted by
Lovers

Across the road from the Greshem Hotel in dublin theres a taxi rank.One of the taxi-drivers is a man called Flanigan. People wait in line just to get into his cab because hes a great guide and he tells a great story. one was as follows. He had 5 American ladies in his cab one day and as he drove them around Dublin one of them said "weve been talking about men and we reckon that Irishmen are the third most romantic lovers in the world.Second are American cowboys ,First are Jewishmen. By the way she said to Flanigan Whats your name? he replied Hopalong Goldberg.
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Scouse 2 September 2010 21:07
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Originally Posted by
A man and his wife went to the doctors, she went and ten minutes later, she came out crying her eyes out, whats the matter? he asked, I`m going to die she said, why ? he asked I`ve got bird flu she replied, and fell into his arms. Just then the doctor came and whats the matter with her, you told her that she had, bird flu he replied, no I didn`t said the doctor, I said, I said she had THRUSH
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Scouse 2 September 2010 21:21
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Originally Posted by
old means well thought out

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond. He said "hi" so as not to scare them and make them aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "Were not coming out of this pond until after you leave." The old man frowned, I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.... Holding the bucket up he said, Im only here to feed the alligator. (Some oldies are still very quick thinking) (
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Scouse 2 September 2010 21:27
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Originally Posted by
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and > > says, > >> "Hows the singing career going?" > >> > >> Stevie replies, "Not too bad... Hows the golf?" > >> > >> Woods replies, "Not too bad, Ive had some problems with my swing, but I > >> think Ive got that right now". > >> > >> Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop > >> playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, > >> it > >> seems to be all right." > >> > >> Tiger says, "You play golf?" > >> > >> Stevie says, "Yes, Ive been playing for years". > >> > >> Tiger says, "But, youre blind. How can you play golf if you cant see?" > >> > >> Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the > > fairway > >> and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball > >> towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to > >> the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards > > his > >> voice." > >> > >> "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger > >> > >> "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole > >> and > >> call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards > > his > >> voice." > >> > >> Tiger asks, "Whats your handicap?" > >> > >> Stevie says, "Well, Im a scratch golfer." > >> > >> Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "Weve got to play a round sometime." > >> > >> Wonder replies, "Well, people dont take me seriously, so I only play for > >> money, and never play for less than $10,000 a > >> hole". > >> > >> Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, Im game for that, - when would you > >> like to play?" > >> > >> Stevie says, "Pick a night
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Scouse 4 September 2010 15:24
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Originally Posted by
BIT OF BRITISH HISTORY

Why the English wore red coats in battle A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Dont you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at. In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood wont show, and the men they are leading wont panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
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Silver Surfer 5 September 2010 23:08
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Originally Posted by
Quoting: thomas fleming Why the English wore red coats in battle   A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at. In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers. Good one Thomas A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, dont put that stuff on me! My wife will think Ive been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesnt know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Scouse 7 September 2010 22:59
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Originally Posted by
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and after a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. "How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus. "I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man. "And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus. "I hope to find my son" said the man "Well" replied Jesus," there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?" "Ill recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," stated the old man. Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???" The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
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Scouse 7 September 2010 23:01
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Originally Posted by
Fire truck

Firefighter is working on the machine outside the station when he notices the little girl from next door, in a little red truck with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Firefighters helmet. The truck is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The Firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That`s a nice fire engine" the Firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The Firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles. "Young Lady", the Firefighter says, "I dont want to tell you how to run your fire station, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar too, I think you could go faster". The little girl replies thoughtfully, "Youre probably right, but then I wouldnt have a siren."
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Silver Surfer 7 September 2010 23:18
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Originally Posted by
A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on indicating to him to pull over. As the copper approaches the car he sees the Scouser is slapping the dog`s head. He tells the driver to wind down his window and asks "Why are you hitting the dog?" The Scouser replies, "The bloody thing just ate my tax disc"
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Scouse 7 September 2010 23:29
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Originally Posted by
President Douuuuu

After numerous rounds of "We dont even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the president he is holding the message upside down"
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Scouse 7 September 2010 23:32
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Originally Posted by
The Camel

new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". Thats why we have the Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I cant say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When hes done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".
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John (Scouse) Hirons 8 September 2010 03:57
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Originally Posted by
Back aboard HMS Victory a Jock, a Paddy & a Scouser are sentenced to 100 lashes each but as everyone knows old Nelson was a bit of a softy & allows each of them to have anything they like on their backs; Jock when asked what he wanted on his back he replied "Good Scotch Whisky" They rubbed in the Scotch gave him his 100 lashes then carried him off to the cockpit. Next it was Paddys turn, when asked what he wanted on his back he said "nothing but fresh air" so they laid in with his 100 lashes, after which Paddy shrugged his shoulders spat on his hands & went back to work. Up came Scouse once again he was asked what he wanted on his back, he replied "Paddy".
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Silver Surfer 8 September 2010 10:26
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Originally Posted by
A man is rowing accross a lake in Africa on a Saturday afternoon chanting away as he rows "Bongo.....Bongo.....Bongo", at this time, a flying saucer is shooting past the earth and the aliens spot the man and decide to beam him up to perform some tests. After the tests are completed they decide to put him back in his boat, "Stop" the leader says, lets see what happens to this human if we remove a quarter of his brain", so the aliens remove a quarter of the guys brain and beam him back down to his boat, "Lets see what happens to him now" the aliens say. As the aliens watch, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo" Amazed by this, the aliens beam the man back up to the ship, "How can this happen, he has a quarter of his brain missing, right lets remove half of his brain and see what happens", the aliens remove half of the mans brain leaving him with just a quarter of his brain left and beam him back down to his boat, "This should do something to him" say the aliens. Once again, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, as before un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo" This makes the aliens even more confused, "Get him back up here and remove all of his brain" says the alien leader, "This must surely have some effect". So the aliens once again beam the man back up the ship and completely remove his brain leaving him brainless and then put him back in his boat. And once again the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, he cannot recall his experience and continues to row across the lake chanting on his way "Ferrry cross the Mersey........."
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Silver Surfer 9 September 2010 05:56
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Originally Posted by
I asked a guy, "Where are you from?" He replied, "Liverpool". I said, "Sorry...". He repeated, "...Liverpool". "No, I heard you," I said, "Im just sorry."
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Scouse 9 September 2010 18:10
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Originally Posted by
From David With Love

A personal message to you from David Cameron...... The UK is in DEEP trouble... The population of this country is approximately 60 million. 32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.. There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work. Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work. 1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work. Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work. At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work. Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your bottom, At your computer, reading jokes. Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
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Scouse 9 September 2010 20:58
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Originally Posted by
Stuttering

A prostitute visits a clinic where people attend with stutters. She picks 3 men and tells them all that if they can tell her where they are from without stuttering, she will give them the half an hour free. 1st Guy steps up a, Brummy and says,` I`m from Bir Bir Bir Birmingham.` `Sorry, your out` she says. 2nd Guy steps up, a Yorkshireman and says,` I`m from Sh Sh Sheffield`. `Sorry your out`. 3rd guy steps up, he is Irish and says, `I am from London The prostitue jumps up, pushes him into a side room and goes all out for action. Half an hour later, she walks out with the man holding her hand where she truns to him and asks, `how was that then?` The Irish man replied `Derry.`
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Scouse 9 September 2010 21:05
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Originally Posted by
I feel sick

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : I NO COME WORK TODAY!!! Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work. The boss John says, You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. I do what You say, I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house
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Silver Surfer 9 September 2010 23:29
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Originally Posted by
Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC... OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit. THE EVENTS In previous Olympics Liverpools competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes: 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc. HAMMER The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time. WEIGHTLIFTING From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mates van. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes. SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitors ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of I thought he was a Bizzy or He pulled a knife on me. BOXING Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummys Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer. TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round. MENS 50Km WALK Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool? A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled. RELAY Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars. ARCHERY Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body. DISCUS Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced. PILLOW EATING The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner. GRAFFITI To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbours wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling. BASEBALL Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins. CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pi##ing on it. The closing speech will consist of the words Everyone in Liverpools a natural comedian you know . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
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Scouse 10 September 2010 23:41
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Originally Posted by
BAAAAAAAA

An Irish farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. Paddy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "theyre all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
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Scouse 10 September 2010 23:54
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Originally Posted by
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. "Nurse" he mumbles " are my testicles black?" nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says "there is nothing wrong iwth them sir". Man pulls off the mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "thanks for that - it was wonderful, but listen very very closely and carefully in future..... Are-my-test-results-back"
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Scouse 10 September 2010 23:59
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Originally Posted by
Ooops-AHAAA

2 gay males are driving along a road when a lorry crashes into their car from the rear. One of the males gets out of the car and confronts the lorry driver. The lorry driver tells him to suck his private. Getting no where with the lorry driver he goes back to his car. His friend who is sitting in the car says," well, what is happening", he replied," it looks like we are settling out of court.
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Murray Whyte 11 September 2010 00:29
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Originally Posted by
Enough is Enough

Who actually said Scousers had humour. They thought that was their funny bone. Ask John H.
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..... 11 September 2010 13:55
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Originally Posted by
Quoting: Alan Anthony Yuill Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC... OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit. THE EVENTS In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes: 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc. HAMMER The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time. WEIGHTLIFTING From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes. SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'. BOXING Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer. TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog shit, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round. MEN'S 50Km WALK Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool? A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled. RELAY Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars. ARCHERY Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body. DISCUS Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced. PILLOW EATING The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner. GRAFFITI To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling. BASEBALL Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins. CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pi##ing on it. The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing. Hilarious Tony, though me and John H.dont believe a word
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..... 11 September 2010 13:56
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Originally Posted by
Liverpools bid for games. How nice if The Games Could be opened by Cher singing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" with a choir of urchins from "Oliver" surrounding her.  In The Background the sound of Police sirens and Tazers. Last edited by john daly Last edited by john daly
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Silver Surfer 11 September 2010 23:59
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Originally Posted by
Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. F##king typical, all the windows are boarded up and some c#nts nicked all the f##king chocolate
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Scouse 12 September 2010 01:03
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Originally Posted by
Mama Mia

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION This could only happen with a little Italian kid.. 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as Well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it CathyPiriano?' 'My 2 lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 4months vacation  and 4 good leads Last edited by thomas fleming Last edited by thomas fleming
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Scouse 12 September 2010 20:17
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Originally Posted by
Dinoo-Jimmy

A man was hiking through the hills in Scotland and stopped for a drink at a mountain stream. An old shepherd, rather tattered and worn shouted to him: Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle laddie, tis poorly wi the dregs o ma coos. (Translates to: dont drink the water sir, its full of cow **** (offensive word removed)) The hiker said, I say old man, Ill have you know Im an English gentleman. Please address me in the proper English language, you heathen. The shepherd replied, I said ....use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.
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Scouse 12 September 2010 20:21
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Originally Posted by
Hospital Visit

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow hospital on a tour of Scotland. He approached one of the patients in the ward and asks him how is treatment was progressing, to which he replied; 'There's nought but care on ev'ry han', In every hour that passes, O; What signifies the life o' man An' 't were nae for the lasses, O' Cameron quickly moves on to the next bed where he asks the same question and the reply was; 'Oh wad some power the giftie he gie us To see oursels as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, An' foolish notion.' Feeling slightly embarrassed Cameron moves to another patient and asks him he how is feeling to-day and he received the reply; 'Wee. sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie Thou need na start awa sae hasty.' Not understanding the answers he asks the doctor if this was the mental health ward, to which he answered; No. This is the serious Burns unit
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