A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. Hes staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar . He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying Ask me anything The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him. Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything. says the barman. What do you mean he knows everything? asks the scouser. Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything Yeah right says the scouser. If you dont believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and hell know the answer Alright says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man. Where am I from ? Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England says the Red Indian. And he was right. Alright says the scouser, that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? Liverpool says the memory man quick as a flash. Yes and who did they play? Leeds United again without blinking And the score? 2-1 says the memory man without hesitation. Pretty good,but I bet you dont know who scored the winning goal? Ian St John says the Indian in an instant. Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just cant get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect . He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man. He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia. The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner.. How. The memory man squints at the scouser. Flying header in the six yard box.
Walked past the fridge before and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin.. I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said " Im staying a chive, stayinin a chive, ah, ah, ah staying a chive, ah ah ah stayin a chiiiiivv.e
As an aircraft is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically & shouts,"If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes & asks," Is there someone on the plane who can make me eel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt & says, "Here, iron this."
One night, an 84 years old man was just getting into bed when he heard a loud noise downstairs,suspecting that he was being burgled,and feeling to frail to go downstairs and have a confrontation, he phoned 999 asked for the police "I think I am being burgled he cried send somone as fast as you can, he,s still in the house" "I,m sorry sir we have no available units ,all of our officers are dealiing with other incidents,can you call again in 10 minutes"!!!!!! The old man waited for 10 minutes and rang 999 again "I,m sorry sir we still have no units available" By this time the old man was very scared and thought that the burgler might be brazen enough to come upstairs, so he again rang 999,"don,t bother sending anyone, I have found my sons old shotgun in the wardrobe and I am going downstairs to shoot the burgler" The phone fell suddenly silent and within 10 minutes there were 5 rapid response units followed shortly afterwards by 5 more armed response vehicles 10 patrol cars 2 RUC type armoured cars,15 dog handlers,2 trained negotiators a police video van and the local police helicopter was hovering over the roof with it,s spotlight shining on the old mans front door!!! "Come out with your hands up" cried a megaphone and after about 2 minutes the front door opened slowly and out stepped the old man with his hands held high, "It,s OK" shouted the old man," I disturbed the burgler and he fled out the back window" "WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT HIM" said the negotiator!!!!!!!!! "YES" said the old man " AND I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO ONE AVAILABLE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vets when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "Im a pisser. I piss on everything ... The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon itll calm me down." The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "Im a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it when Im inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Gonna cut my nuts off too," the dejected yellow lab said."They reckon it`ll calm me down as well" The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "Im a humper," the black lab said. "Ill hump anything. Ill hump the cat, a pillow, the table, post-boxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldnt help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,its nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, Im having me nails clipped."
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". Thats why we have the Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I cant say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When hes done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".
A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasnt been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. Theres no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Wheres ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Wheres your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you! says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "Youre misunderstanding me. Wheres your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collectors ear. ------- ------- ------- "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wifes sista!"
Grandad is sitting in the garden, rambling on with his grandson, as Grandads do. The young un says, "Grandad, see that worm all limp and wriggly> I bet you five pounds I can stick it back down its hole" "Nah, " says Grandad. "youll never do that." The little lad runs indoors and comes back with a can of hair lacquer. He sprays it liberally on the worm, and once the creature is stiff, he pushes it firmly down into its hole. Grandad pays up, and looking thoughtful, takes the lacquer back into the house. He returns half an hour later, and gives the boy five pounds. "No Grandad" cries the boy. "Thats OK. You already paid me" "I know son," says the old man. "Thats off your grandma."
Merseyside Police have today confirmed that 2 more local Premier League footballers have once again had their homes burgled on the same night. Steven Gerrard lost a Champions League winner and runners up medal,a premier league runners up medal,1 uefa cup medal,2 charity shield winners medals,1 euro super cup,2 F.ACup and 2 League Cup winners medals and a PFA player of the years award. Tim Cahill has lost a kettle and a toaster. Have a guess which I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. The Pope Died Interesting Year 2005 1. Prince Charles married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. The Pope Died Lesson Learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
An Army General carries out a moral visit to a Military Hospital. He is presented to the first squadie and enquires what is the problem? The squadie replies ' Syphilis Sir' The General is disgusted as this is clearly a self-inflicted condition; he prepares himself to give this soldier a severe bollocking but is interrupted by the Senior Medical Officer who informs him the treatment is a wire brush and Dettol. The squadie seeing The General is not happy redeems himself by saying 'My ambition is to return to my unit as quickly as possible' The General moves on to the next patient ' What are you in for soldier he enquires' ' Piles Sir' The General responds ' You have my sympathy I've suffered from the affliction myself and how do they plan on treating you' ' Wire brush and Dettol' comes the reply 'Ambition' 'To return to my unit Sir' The General grimaces and moves on to the next bed 'Now soldier what are you in for ?' The muffled response is ' Gum disease Sir' The General feeling sorry for the injured party enquires ' Please tell me they don't expect you to use wire brush and Dettol also' ' Afraid so' says the dejected serviceman ' What is your ambition' enquires The General 'TO GET TO THE WIRE BRUSH AND DETTOL BEFORE THEM TWO'
Paddy decides to treat himself to a decent holiday at a beach resort. After being there a couple of days and having no luck with the bikini clad beauties, he goes to have a word with the life guard at the beach who is always surrounded by dollies. " Paddy" says the lifeguard, " A bit of advice, loose the big baggy shorts, buy a pair of speedos - two sizes too small and drop a spud inside em, thatll do the trick". Paddy says thanks and wanders off to carry out the instructions. A few days later he meets the lifeguard at the beach and moans to him that his advice failed, the lifeguard looks Paddy over and replies " Paddy , youre supposed to put the spud down the FRONT ".
Mother Superior makes an announcement to the rest of the nuns. we now have a case of chlamydia in the convent. An old nun at the back shouts, well I hope its better than that case of chardonnay we had last week.
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didnt have to show it." "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained; "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldnt find any Frenchmen to show it to."
Across the road from the Greshem Hotel in dublin theres a taxi rank.One of the taxi-drivers is a man called Flanigan. People wait in line just to get into his cab because hes a great guide and he tells a great story. one was as follows. He had 5 American ladies in his cab one day and as he drove them around Dublin one of them said "weve been talking about men and we reckon that Irishmen are the third most romantic lovers in the world.Second are American cowboys ,First are Jewishmen. By the way she said to Flanigan Whats your name? he replied Hopalong Goldberg.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond. He said "hi" so as not to scare them and make them aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "Were not coming out of this pond until after you leave." The old man frowned, I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.... Holding the bucket up he said, Im only here to feed the alligator. (Some oldies are still very quick thinking) (
Why the English wore red coats in battle A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Dont you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at. In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood wont show, and the men they are leading wont panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
Firefighter is working on the machine outside the station when he notices the little girl from next door, in a little red truck with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Firefighters helmet. The truck is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The Firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That`s a nice fire engine" the Firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The Firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles. "Young Lady", the Firefighter says, "I dont want to tell you how to run your fire station, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar too, I think you could go faster". The little girl replies thoughtfully, "Youre probably right, but then I wouldnt have a siren."
After numerous rounds of "We dont even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: "Tell the president he is holding the message upside down"
new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". Thats why we have the Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I cant say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When hes done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".
A personal message to you from David Cameron...... The UK is in DEEP trouble... The population of this country is approximately 60 million. 32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.. There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work. Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work. 1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work. Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work. At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work. Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your bottom, At your computer, reading jokes. Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
A prostitute visits a clinic where people attend with stutters. She picks 3 men and tells them all that if they can tell her where they are from without stuttering, she will give them the half an hour free. 1st Guy steps up a, Brummy and says,` I`m from Bir Bir Bir Birmingham.` `Sorry, your out` she says. 2nd Guy steps up, a Yorkshireman and says,` I`m from Sh Sh Sheffield`. `Sorry your out`. 3rd guy steps up, he is Irish and says, `I am from London The prostitue jumps up, pushes him into a side room and goes all out for action. Half an hour later, she walks out with the man holding her hand where she truns to him and asks, `how was that then?` The Irish man replied `Derry.`
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : I NO COME WORK TODAY!!! Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work. The boss John says, You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. I do what You say, I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house
An Irish farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. Paddy doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "theyre all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
2 gay males are driving along a road when a lorry crashes into their car from the rear. One of the males gets out of the car and confronts the lorry driver. The lorry driver tells him to suck his private. Getting no where with the lorry driver he goes back to his car. His friend who is sitting in the car says," well, what is happening", he replied," it looks like we are settling out of court.
Who actually said Scousers had humour. They thought that was their funny bone. Ask John H.
An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION This could only happen with a little Italian kid.. 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation' Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as Well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it CathyPiriano?' 'My 2 lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 4months vacation and 4 good leads Last edited by thomas fleming Last edited by thomas fleming
A man was hiking through the hills in Scotland and stopped for a drink at a mountain stream. An old shepherd, rather tattered and worn shouted to him: Dinna take a draught oot o the riffle laddie, tis poorly wi the dregs o ma coos. (Translates to: dont drink the water sir, its full of cow **** (offensive word removed)) The hiker said, I say old man, Ill have you know Im an English gentleman. Please address me in the proper English language, you heathen. The shepherd replied, I said ....use both hands. You will be able to get more in your mouth.
David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow hospital on a tour of Scotland. He approached one of the patients in the ward and asks him how is treatment was progressing, to which he replied; 'There's nought but care on ev'ry han', In every hour that passes, O; What signifies the life o' man An' 't were nae for the lasses, O' Cameron quickly moves on to the next bed where he asks the same question and the reply was; 'Oh wad some power the giftie he gie us To see oursels as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, An' foolish notion.' Feeling slightly embarrassed Cameron moves to another patient and asks him he how is feeling to-day and he received the reply; 'Wee. sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie Thou need na start awa sae hasty.' Not understanding the answers he asks the doctor if this was the mental health ward, to which he answered; No. This is the serious Burns unit