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A few jokes to start the day

{{forumThread.upVotes}} Created by Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 01:40 242893 views Link  
Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 01:40
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Originally Posted by
A few jokes to start the day

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF 1-- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2-- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3-- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4-- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5-- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6-- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7-- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to explore the entire course, with special attention to hills, valleys and we..-formed bunkers. 8-- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9-- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection. 10-- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course. 11-- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12-- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13-- Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14-- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15-- The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 01:55
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Clearly Defined Words: ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. FATHERS DAY - Nine months before labor day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. NURSE - A pan handler. NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you dont. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 02:02
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Bumper Stickers 1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Dont take life too seriously, you wont get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So youre a feminist...Isnt that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) Im not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...well mind the other planets later. 18) Im just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I dont have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) Its lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what youre thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and Im not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes 39) Im Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------Youll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, Were Out of Paddles 42) If You Think Im A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks youre an a##hole.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 02:03
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Originally Posted by
Bumper Stickers 1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Dont take life too seriously, you wont get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So youre a feminist...Isnt that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) Im not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...well mind the other planets later. 18) Im just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I dont have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) Its lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what youre thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and Im not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes 39) Im Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------Youll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, Were Out of Paddles 42) If You Think Im A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks youre an a##hole.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 02:03
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Originally Posted by
Bumper Stickers 1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Dont take life too seriously, you wont get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So youre a feminist...Isnt that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) Im not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...well mind the other planets later. 18) Im just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I dont have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) Its lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what youre thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and Im not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes 39) Im Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------Youll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, Were Out of Paddles 42) If You Think Im A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks youre an a##hole.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 02:10
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Originally Posted by
Thoughts for the day The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content Marriage changes passion...suddenly youre in bed with a relative. I live in my own little world. But its OK...they know me here. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it. I said, "Implants?" I dont do drugs anymore cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. I dont approve of political jokes...Ive seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THATS a message!! Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones shes been giving me lately. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days Ive stayed alive. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? Why is it that most nudists are people you dont want to see naked? The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Moms wise words: "Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been!"
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 04:37
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Originally Posted by
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh? she asks. 135, I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, Your height? 5 foot 4, I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 52. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. Of course its high! I scream, When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now Im short and fat! She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 04:41
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Originally Posted by
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the > > lobby to put his name on his mailbox. > > > > While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next > > to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. > > > > The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with > > Him. > > > > As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had > > nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain > > eye contact. > > > > After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, Lets > > go to my apartment, I hear someone coming. > > > > He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned > > against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. > > > > Now nude, she purred at him, What would you say is my best feature? > > > > Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, Its got to be your > > ears. > > > > Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, My ears? Look at these > > breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my > > butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. > > > > How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? > > > > Clearing his throat, he stammered.... Outside, when you said you > > heard someone coming.... that was me. > > > >
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 04:49
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Originally Posted by
The hair cut One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, I cannot accept money from you. Im doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, I cannot accept money from you. Im doing community service this week. The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, I cannot accept money from you. Im doing community service this week. The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books, such as How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful. Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, I cannot accept money from you. Im doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 04:57
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Originally Posted by
A woman comes home and tells her husband, Remember those headaches Ive been having all these years ? Well, theyre gone. No more headaches? the husband asks, What happened ? His wife replies, Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache I do not have a headache I do not have a headache Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone. Well, that is wonderful proclaims the husband. His wife then says, You know, you havent been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why dont you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ? Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, Dont move, Ill be right back. He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, WOW ! - that was wonderful ! The husband says, Dont move ! I will be right back. He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning OH MY GOD she proclaims. Her husband again says, Dont move, Ill be right back. With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .... Shes not my wife Shes not my wife Shes not my wife His funeral service will be held Saturday.
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 23:13
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Originally Posted by
A woman standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?" The husband replies....." Well your eyesights spot on "
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 23:18
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Originally Posted by
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when... 1. You accidentally enter your pin number into the microwave. 2. You havent played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they dont have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didnt have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 12. Youre reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasnt a #9 on this list
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 23:26
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Originally Posted by
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "Ive never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies, "Divorce Attorney."
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 23:31
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Originally Posted by
RAMBLING ROSE A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall".
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Silver Surfer 10 May 2009 23:38
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Originally Posted by
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishmans wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God !! why arent you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you dont give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency heres 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear" Next the Irishmans wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman !! Youve no knickers ---- why not?" She replies "I cant afford any on the money you give me" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency heres 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear! " Lastly, the Scotsmans wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why dye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You dont give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency heres a COMB, tidy yourself up a bit !"
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Silver Surfer 11 May 2009 05:43
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Originally Posted by
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have crabs". She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year-old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have crabs." "No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin." Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Dont tell me that its crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It cant be crabs." The doctor said, Jump on the table and lets have a look." After examining her the doctor proclaimed, "Maam, youre right, you dont have crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
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Silver Surfer 11 May 2009 06:10
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Originally Posted by
The Willy Poem

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring, But now Ive got a full-time job, To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave, For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!
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Silver Surfer 11 May 2009 06:19
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Originally Posted by
The Farmer

THE MINIMUM WAGE A man owned a small farm in Scotland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, demanded the rep. Well, replied the farmer, theres my farmhand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. Then theres the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. Thats the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit, says the agent. That would be me , replied the farmer
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Silver Surfer 11 May 2009 23:41
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Originally Posted by
A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "Howd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "thats my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didnt you say something!", she asked her mother. "I havent spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasnt about to start now!"
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Silver Surfer 11 May 2009 23:47
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Originally Posted by
Just so you know how Moses got the Ten Commandments.. God went to the Arabs and said, I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, What are Commandments? And the Lord said, They are rules for living. Can you give us an example? Thou shall not kill. Not kill? Were not interested. So He went to the Africans and said, I have Commandments. They wanted an example, and the Lord said, Honour thy Father and Mother. Our Father? We dont know who our fathers are. Were not interested. Then He went to the Mexicans and said, I have Commandments. The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said Thou shall not steal. Not steal? Were not interested. Then He went to the French and said, I have Commandments. The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, Thou shall not commit adultery. Not commit adultery? Were not interested. Finally, He went to the Jews and said, I have Commandments. Commandments? They said, How much are they? Theyre free. Well take 10. There, that should offend just about everybody !
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Silver Surfer 12 May 2009 22:48
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Originally Posted by
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road- side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?""We dont have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and Ill feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "Youll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high"
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Silver Surfer 12 May 2009 23:47
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Originally Posted by
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, [] But they only know how to say one thing. What do they say? the priest inquired. They say, Hi, were hookers! Do you want to have some fun? Thats obscene! the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And well put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time. Thank you, the woman responded, this may very well be the solution. The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priests house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, were hookers! Do you want to have some fun? There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered! []
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Silver Surfer 12 May 2009 23:49
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Originally Posted by
The Polite way to Pee. During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee. & The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it? Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back. Thats better, but its still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner. The teacher fainted!
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Silver Surfer 12 May 2009 23:55
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Originally Posted by
HYSTERICAL... if you are at work, cover your mouth, you WILL laugh out loud!! In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the mens restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldnt resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Mens restrooms dont have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldnt wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button." "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p##is is under your pillow." MEN NEVER LISTEN
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Silver Surfer 13 May 2009 00:00
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Originally Posted by
"GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS QUEEN" This is one for the English On Planet Earth 50,000 Englishmen were singing their national Anthem at Twickenham. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual behaviour "MAKE HER VICTORIOUS" !!!!!!!! The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if removed part of their brain without them even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit 50,000 Englishmens heads and took a part of their brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen. "HAPPY AND GLORIOUS" !!!!!!! What the ??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The English could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of their brain. The Aliens watched on "LONG TO REIGN OVER US" !!!!!!! WHAT!!!" The Aliens said to each other. "These English are very clever people even with half a brain. Lets see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave them with no brains at all!" So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Englishmens brain. "Now surely they wont know anything at all. They should be too dumb and stupid to sing anything now?" And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on, the Englishmen began to sing, "FLOWER OF SCOTLAND"!!!!!!!
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Silver Surfer 13 May 2009 00:09
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Originally Posted by
Just so you know how Moses got the Ten Commandments.. God went to the Arabs and said, I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, What are Commandments? And the Lord said, They are rules for living. Can you give us an example? Thou shall not kill. Not kill? Were not interested. So He went to the Africans and said, I have Commandments. They wanted an example, and the Lord said, Honour thy Father and Mother. Our Father? We dont know who our fathers are. Were not interested. Then He went to the Mexicans and said, I have Commandments. The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said Thou shall not steal. Not steal? Were not interested. Then He went to the French and said, I have Commandments. The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, Thou shall not commit adultery. Not commit adultery? Were not interested. Finally, He went to the Jews and said, I have Commandments. Commandments? They said, How much are they? Theyre free. Well take 10.
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Silver Surfer 13 May 2009 00:12
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Originally Posted by
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom, that lady isnt wearing a seat belt! 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. Mommy cant come to the phone to talk to you right now. Shes hitting the bottle. 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womens locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, Whats the matter, havent you ever seen a little boy before? 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, Are you a cop? Yes, I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? Yes, thats right, I told her. Well, then, she said as she extended her foot toward me, would you please tie my shoe? 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. Is that a dog you got back there? he asked. It sure is, I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, Whatd he do? 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this! 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldnt wear that suit. And why not, darling? You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The ministers son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes. (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. Im just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I cant read, I cant write, and they wont let me talk! 11 ) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boys voice, he answered, I think its Adams underwear! NOW IF THIS DIDNT BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.
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Silver Surfer 13 May 2009 00:12
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Originally Posted by
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom, that lady isnt wearing a seat belt! 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents. 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. Mommy cant come to the phone to talk to you right now. Shes hitting the bottle. 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womens locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, Whats the matter, havent you ever seen a little boy before? 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, Are you a cop? Yes, I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? Yes, thats right, I told her. Well, then, she said as she extended her foot toward me, would you please tie my shoe? 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. Is that a dog you got back there? he asked. It sure is, I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, Whatd he do? 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this! 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldnt wear that suit. And why not, darling? You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The ministers son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes. (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. Im just wasting my time, she said to her mother. I cant read, I cant write, and they wont let me talk! 11 ) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. Mama, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boys voice, he answered, I think its Adams underwear! NOW IF THIS DIDNT BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.
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Flashbulb 13 May 2009 07:26
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Originally Posted by
HAVE A GOOD LAUGH

The wife came home early and found her husband in bed with a very attractive young woman. Needless to say, she was somewhat upset. You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Im leaving you! I want a divorce right away! The husband replied: Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.I had no choice... Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but theyll be the last words youll say to me! So the husband said: Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadnt eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldnt eat because youre afraid youll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but dont wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you dont wear because I dont have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister g! ave you for Christmas that you dont wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and dont wear because someone at work has a pair the same. The husband took a quick breath and continued: She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said: Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesnt use? ....
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Silver Surfer 13 May 2009 14:35
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Originally Posted by
Good one Ron ABCs of Aging A is for arthritis, B is for bad back, C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight--cant read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which Id rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches) H is high blood pressure I is for itches, and lots of incisions J is for joints, that now fail to flex L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time) N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and Ill be good as new! R is for reflux--one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills! T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not) V is for vertigo, as life spins by W is worry, for pains yet found X is for X ray--and what one might find Y is for year (another one Im still alive) so Z is for zest
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 00:58
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Originally Posted by
RAMBLING ROSE A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall".
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 01:02
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Originally Posted by
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline" If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are blonde dont press any buttons, youll just screw it up.
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 01:04
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Originally Posted by
The Fairy: A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof... She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, Id like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and poof... He was 90... All men are bastards but at least the fairies are on our side..
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 01:06
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Originally Posted by
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 03:10
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Originally Posted by
A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde girl reading a book called SEX Statistics. Any Good? he asks Fascinating America Indians have the widest pr#cks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, im Jane. Hi he says Im Tonto Palawaski.
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Flashbulb 14 May 2009 07:52
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Originally Posted by
LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING SIGNS.

Maybe you love your job so much you brush off hints that the companys wheels are starting to come off. Or maybe you despise your job enough that you pay no attention to anything other than getting through a full day. Maybe you have no reason to watch for signs that you might be headed for a job loss. But maybe you should. Even if youre doing well and things seem peachy in the workplace, its never a bad idea to pay attention to hints that your job may be in jeopardy. Stay one step ahead of a layoff by heeding these warning signs. Internal Problems: Things You Control Sometimes we ignore obvious signs that the other shoe is going to drop, attributing the negative signals to a bad phase that will quickly pass. Unfortunately, ignoring these signs can threaten your job security. Watch out if: You Got a Bad Review or a Warning How was your last performance review? Did you get a decent raise? Were you given any warnings or put on probation for anything? Its a bad sign if nothing positive was said during your review. Maybe you love your job so much you brush off hints that the companys wheels are starting to come off. Or maybe you despise your job enough that you pay no attention to anything other than getting through a full day. Maybe you have no reason to watch for signs that you might be headed for a job loss. But maybe you should. Even if youre doing well and things seem peachy in the workplace, its never a bad idea to pay attention to hints that your job may be in jeopardy. Stay one step ahead of a layoff by heeding these warning signs. Internal Problems: Things You Control Sometimes we ignore obvious signs that the other shoe is going to drop, attributing the negative signals to a bad phase that will quickly pass. Unfortunately, ignoring these signs can threaten your job security. Watch out if: You Got a Bad Review or a Warning How was your last performance review? Did you get a decent raise? Were you given any warnings or put on probation for anything? Its a bad sign if nothing positive was said during your review. Your Boss Looks over Your Shoulder Has your boss recently put you on a short leash when he used to trust you to work independently? Maybe hes been giving you subtle warnings that your work is not up to snuff even though you think otherwise, and he finally got tired of you missing his signals. You Get the Cold Shoulder Do colleagues you used to eat lunch or talk with avoid you lately? Do they skirt discussions about future projects? Are you being left out of meetings youve usually been part of? Think theres a reason? External Problems: Management Changes that Are Beyond Your Control Keeping an eye on the company, its health and the ripple effects of high-level decisions can clue you into the true status of your job security. Be wary if: You Get a New Boss For five years, you worked in harmony with your boss, who was suddenly replaced by a rattlesnake. This is no time to be complacent; prep for a job search before you have to. Line up a reference from HR since the new boss probably wont give you a good one. Management Makes Changes at the Top The companys leader and figurehead suddenly disappear, and the entire mood of the company shifts. Long-time employees are heard grumbling and complaining about the new direction. This can actually help you. Ask yourself: How do I handle change? If youre averse to making a big move, youll probably hate the new procedures that go along with the transition to a new leader. On the other hand, how will you handle the changes associated with getting a new job? Will you find those challenges any easier? Weigh the consequences of both scenarios. There Are Rumors of Restructuring or Layoffs Sometimes rumors carry a grain of truth. If there is talk about restructuring the office, be prepared. If you dont do a full-out job search, at least dust off your resume so if youre cut, youll have that chore out of the way. New Hires Dont Fit the Mold Sometimes a new colleague is hired who can do no wrong with all of the managers but treats you and other employees like dirt. If youve complained and documented your gripes but management doesnt confront the bad apple, you must assess what this person is doing to your outlook on work. Sometimes morale can get so low that theres no choice but to leave. Overall, its important to know the difference between something that truly threatens your job security and something that may actually turn out to be a bad week or month. New Hires Dont Fit the Mold Sometimes a new colleague is hired who can do no wrong with all of the managers but treats you and other employees like dirt. If youve complained and documented your gripes but management doesnt confront the bad apple, you must assess what this person is doing to your outlook on work. Sometimes morale can get so low that theres no choice but to leave. Overall, its important to know the difference between something that truly threatens your job security and something that may actually turn out to be a bad week or month.
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 23:16
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Originally Posted by
The Fairy: A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof... She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, Id like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and poof... He was 90... All men are bastards but at least the fairies are on our side..
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 23:21
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Originally Posted by
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting "Please come out and give yourself up." 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or Ill shoot," the man shouted, "Thats not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!) 8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldnt get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldnt get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marine, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place...was the trailer.
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Silver Surfer 14 May 2009 23:26
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Originally Posted by
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "Its your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. Whats three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "Thats great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, its pretty simple," says the third man. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Silver Surfer 15 May 2009 05:33
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Originally Posted by
Be aware of point 5!!! A list of the symptoms for swine flu.. : In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease. 1) Sore throat. 2) Slight headache. 3) Moderate to high temperature. 4) Nausea or upset stomach. 5) An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.
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Silver Surfer 15 May 2009 12:48
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Originally Posted by
Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It wont take long. Wife: I wont be able to sleep afterwards. Husband: I cant sleep without it. Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because Im Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times. Husband: If you love me I wouldnt have to beg you. Wife: If you love me youd be more considerate. Husband: You dont love me anymore. Wife: Yes I do, but lets forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come on Wife: Alright, Ill do it. Husband: Whats the matter? Need a flashlight? Wife: I cant find it. Husband: Oh, for heavens sake, feel for it! Wife: There! Are you satisfied? Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough? Husband: ! Oh, thats good. Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself. Now, what were you expecting?
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Silver Surfer 16 May 2009 01:21
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Originally Posted by
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldnt you answer that guys question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"
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Silver Surfer 17 May 2009 01:02
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Originally Posted by
Best short story of the month! Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
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Silver Surfer 17 May 2009 01:20
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Originally Posted by
arriages are all happy, its having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.
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Silver Surfer 17 May 2009 12:42
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Originally Posted by
Playing God? It was Shrove Tuesday and Mrs Williams was making pancakes for her sons, Justin 5, and Freddy 7. As usual, the brothers began to argue over who should get the first pancake. Their mother saw a wonderful opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting at the table, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake". Quick as a flash Freddy turned to Justin and said, Justin, today you can be Jesus!
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Silver Surfer 17 May 2009 12:55
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Originally Posted by
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the mens room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my pe#is. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my pe#is, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your pe#is back in your pants?" "Well, I dont know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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Silver Surfer 17 May 2009 14:05
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Originally Posted by
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks its a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing "...On the road again, just cant wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again... " The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A.. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
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Silver Surfer 17 May 2009 23:15
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Originally Posted by
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
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Silver Surfer 18 May 2009 13:01
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Originally Posted by
Sunbathing Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back. Shed been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didnt have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesnt mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday" "YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? Im on the top floor and Im covered with a towel." "Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that youre lying on the dining room skylight.
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Silver Surfer 18 May 2009 13:03
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Originally Posted by
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Yknow, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didnt do him any good."
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