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Regional humour

{{forumThread.upVotes}} Created by Mike Pass 15 March 2009 10:19 1944 views Link  
Mike Pass 15 March 2009 10:19
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Originally Posted by
Regional humour

Have you any jokes from your part of the world to air???? Here is the Black Countrys way of thinking............. JOKE ONE : Ayli was late for work and the gaffer asked him where he had been. Ayli: "Ive been to av me air cut." Gaffer: "In the firms time?" Ayli: "Well it grows in the firms time, doh it?" Gaffer: "It doh all grow in the firms time!" Ayli: "I day av it all cut off !" JOKE TWO: Aynuk was walking down the road when a dirty and dishevelled man rushed up to him and said. "Have you seen a lorry load of pigs go by?" "No" , said Aynuk, "ave yo dropped off ?" JOKE THREE: Ayli went along to a parents night at his nippers school. "Hows our Tommy comin on?" he asked the teacher. "Well," came the reply, "hes in a class of his own." Ayli was chuffed. "I day know e was that clever." "Oh hes not," said the teacher, "but he smells!" YOUR JOKES: Aynuk and Ayli are standing in Aynuks back garden, Aynuks next door neighbour is running up and down his back garden pretending hes riding a motorbike, Ayli says, whats up wi im?, Aynuk says, tek no notice hes saft in the yed he thinks hes in the Isle o mon in the TT rerces. Ayli says, but he ay got a bike yo orter tell him, bugger off says Aynuk he pays me a fiver a wik to clean it. Dave Clark, Shropshire Aynuk and Ayli had had an argument and hadnt spoken to each other for over a month. One day Aynuk sees Ayli walking towards him on the opposite side of the road and being the more Forgiving calls to him, is that yo Ayli, a voice comes back, no it ay, Aynuk says well bugger yer then This ay me neither. Dave Clark, Shropshire Ayli sees Aynuk in a railway cutting sprinting along in front of a train. Ayli : Hey Aynuk. Why dont yer run up the bonk? Aynuk : If I cor bayt it on the straight I cor bayt it up the bonk! Hugh Knight When is a hosepipe like a metal box? When its a-squaretin. Posh lady to boy. "will your dog bite me if I stroke him?" "No Missus," The lady stroked the dog ,which promply bit her. "I thought you said your dog didnt bite!" "This ay mar dog!" Geoff Jones. Halesowen Aynuk and Ayli were sat on Bondi Beach in Australia when a big sun bronzed Aussie comes by with a surfboard under his arm, Ayli says to Aynuk weers e gooin with that plank, Aynuk says, that ay a plank its a surfboard, whats it for says Ayli, yo watch says Aynuk. The Aussie jumps on the board and paddles out, he catches a huge wave which knocks him straight off and dumps him and the board back on the beach in a big heap. Ayli says to Aynuk what did yo say that plank was called, it ay a plank says Aynuk its a surfboard Ayli says, well it doe look very serf to me. Dave Clark Broseley Shropshire (Ex Coseley) True conversation I heard between my two black country friends Ian and Tina (some years ago now!) Ian: Tay, I wont me tay! Tina: Yow Cor av ya tay, it tay tay time! Leighton, Halesowen Aynock always thought their Aylie was in need of a little ferther education so decided he would tek im to the big city, Bermingham. Aynock took him round the city explainin what building was what and the local history attached to them. Eventually they arrived at Victoria Suare and by this time Aylies brain wus in a right spin, suddenly Aylie turned and saw the large building and said to Aynock 'is thet a palace our kid ', naa seys Aynock, that's the Council House. ****** hell ses Aylie I've got me name down for one of them. Graham Pugh White van man to pedestrian: Scuse me mate does yow now if theres a B & Q in Wolverhampton? Pedestrian: Sorry mate oi dont, but I nows theres 2 Ds in Dudley Kev South African Black Country convert Aynuk: Wots the difference between a buffalo and a bison Ali: Dow now mate Aynuk: You cor wash yer onds in a buffalo Jackie Mann,Wolverhampton Aynuk builds himself a new pen for his chickens. He asks Ayli to come and have a look at it. Well yome med a bostin job on it ar kid says Ayli, Aynuk says ar it ay bad except that the roof leaks. Ayli notices that Aynuk has put a wire netting roof on the pen, No wonder it leaks says Ayli yo ay put no slope on it. Dave Clark Shropshire (Ex Coseley) During the war, a British General visited an Army Hospital of the South Staffordshire Regiment. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didnt come here to die did you?" To which Aynuk and Ayli replied " Na sur, way booth coomd ere yesterdie." Grahame Newman What do they call "Toys -R- Us in Dudley ? Answer "Toys Am We" D.Clark Shropshire (Ex Coseley) Oi fownd a whale in the canal? Nah aar Nah owd yaow no it wuz a whale It ad arim an two spokes on it Aargh me mates fell in the canal where? Aargh me mates fell in the canal Owd it appen I just took a bite out me sanwich an the mate fell out. Lawrence Griffiths Dolly sez..." Cum on Bert wesh yer onds ya tays ni on ready, wim avin a nois bit o vera lynn", Bert sez "OH NO, NOT WHALE MATE AGEN".. Pete Bouncer, Walsall Aynuk! ov yo gorra lump omma ter bora me anny oi ay gora sponna ter fit this ear nut ?..... Pete Bouncer, Walsall ( also read a story sent in by Pete) Aynuk saw Ayli walking down the rod pulling a piece of string. Aynuk: " Wot am yow doin pullin that pace ostring?" Ayli: "Wul yow troi pushin it". Sent in by Iris Wainwight Belgium ex W-ton Q. What time is it when you have a pie on your clock? A. Summat to ate. Mark May, Wolverhampton Q. Which ex football commontator has the biggest hands? A. Hugh Johns (or black country huge `ons)! Mark May, Wolverhampton Aynuk says to Ayli: 'What yow bin doin'' Ayli replies: ' I bin fishin in the cut' Aynuk says: 'Did yow catch anythink' Ayli replies: 'Eye,I caught a whale' Aynuk (astonished): 'Yow caught a whale in the cut?' Ayli replies: 'Yes, a bicycle whale' Sent in by Derek Robinson The time was the Depression, a Bilston man was walking along the canal contemplating suicide when he heard a shout: "Elp!, oim drahnin, serv me!" "Oh, Ar, ware duw yo werk?" "Stewut un Lydds, Oim drahnin, serv me!" "Wull yo con bloody well drahn, Oim arfter yowr job!" Presenting himself at the factory gate he says to the gatekeeper: "Duz a bloke nermed Abner Edwuds werk ere?" "Ar, but he ay cum this mornin" "Ar know, hes drahnin in the cut. con oi ave is job? "Yowm tew lert mate, we just set on the bloke that shuvved im in!" Sent in by Ray Davies Man walks into a jewellers shop. Ay yo got some rings? Certainly, Sir. Eighteen carat? No, chewing tobacca Sent in by Ron Leach ( an ex brummie ) Three lads rescued a drowning woman from the canal. She thanked them profusely and asked if they knew who she was. One boy piped up and said: "Yowm Missis Thatcher ay ya?". She nodded and asked what presents they would like as a token of her gratitude. The first boy said: "Con oi ave a rercin boike, wiv ten speeds un litewert weels?. She said she would phone the chairman of Raleigh Industries and get him a top of the range model. She turned to the next boy and asked what he wanted, he said: "Con oi ave a fast cumputa with lots ov memery un disk sperce?. She said shed get on to the chairman of I.B.M and get the best she could. She turned to the last boy and said: "And what would you like my son?" "A Stert Funeral, Missis". "Thats a very unusual thing to ask for, why do you want a State Funeral?". "Cuz wen moi dad finds aht oive pulled yow aht uv the cut hell bluddy kill me!" Sent in by Ray Davies
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Mike Pass 15 March 2009 18:41
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Originally Posted by
Regional humour

Amazing! Do none of your areas have their own dialect humour then. Now I know that is not correct..........!
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Silver Surfer 15 March 2009 21:34
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Originally Posted by
Australians Quick Check for Alzheimers The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is forty cat. 12. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing it on. Ausie sitting in a Toilet I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, Dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?" I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?" I then heard the voice for the third time ...... "Sorry mate, Ill have to call you back . Ive got some `D**khead` in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
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Silver Surfer 16 March 2009 02:25
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Originally Posted by
Aussie Love Poem

AUSSIE LOVE POEM Of course I love you darling, you're a bloody top-notch bird, And when I say you're georgeous, I mean every single word, So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab, It means that when I'm ready there's something there to grab, So your belly isn't flat no more,I tell ya, I don't care, So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there, No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts, They just give in to gravity, but I know ya did ya best, I'm tellin ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies, I think it's very sexy that you've got dimples on ya thighs, I'll swear on Mamma's grave now, the moment that we met, I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get, No matter what ya look like, I'll always love ya dear, Now shut up while the footy's on, and get me another beer!
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(Unknown Name) 16 March 2009 05:56
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Originally Posted by
South Autralians are a bit slow....

Two Adelaide Crows [Tony Yuill will explain!] were flying back to Adelaide from a game in Melbourne, and they boarded the flight and sat down up front in the Business Class, when their tickets were Economy. The Hostess asked them to move back, but they refused, so she got the Captain to come and speak to them. He came out, and bent down and whispered in the ear of one of the Crows, and they got up and went back to Economy. The Hostie was amazed and asked the Captain what he had said: "I told them this part of the aircraft wasnt going to Adelaide and they belived me".
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Silver Surfer 16 March 2009 07:56
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Originally Posted by
Quoting: Colin Hall Two Adelaide Crows [Tony Yuill will explain!] were flying back to Adelaide from a game in Melbourne, and they boarded the flight and sat down up front in the Business Class, when their tickets were Economy. The Hostess asked them to move back, but they refused, so she got the Captain to come and speak to them. He came out, and bent down and whispered in the ear of one of the Crows, and they got up and went back to Economy. The Hostie was amazed and asked the Captain what he had said: "I told them this part of the aircraft wasn't going to Adelaide and they belived me". O.K Yes Colin the Adelaide Crows is one of the Aussie Rules footy teams, my one is the Eagles,A West Australian team (Go the Eagles)
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Mike Pass 16 March 2009 10:18
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Originally Posted by
Regional humour

Hhhmm!!! I do not think that I quite managed to put across my point vis a vis Dialect humour but, some excellent responses just the same.
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Syd Jones 16 March 2009 18:26
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Originally Posted by
Ayli rushed round to Aynuks house. "Aynuk,Aynuk"! "Yo no Lyjer wuz wairkin at the brewery"? "Oh, arh ee did". Said Aynuk. "Well ees jed" said Ayli. "Dround iself in wun er the vats"! "Bluddeeell" Said Aynuk. Wore there nobody about ter save im?" "Arh they w were orl thear" Said Ayli. "And they pulled im out three times an orl".
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